Its midnight as I start writing this but I'm not sleepy yet ... haha, so whats new? The last couple of weeks, I have been rather emotional & muddled - deep in thought. I look at my miserable state-of-life & realise that I have not achieved much, in my entire existence. I have been out of the workforce for so long that I can't fathom going back to work, for I would be at a real loss. But recent developments in my life has shown that I might just have to do that ... soon.
I was quite independent in my teenage years but all that changed when I met someone & fell in love. Love has a hold on you like no other. It made me clingy & possessive. I didn't even like myself then. That love episode did not last (as expected) but it changed my perception & my outlook on life. I learnt to be more independent & carefree. I learnt that love ain't everything that its cracked up to be.There are many regrets I have in life but I have lived my life as best I can. There ain't many things that I can be proud of, there ain't many things that I've achieved in life, there ain't much of anything, at all.
I've lived my life as a simple person, living as simply as I can. My ambitious streak was wiped out when I got married coz I always felt that being a good wife is to stay & keep a good home. I brushed aside my aspirations to be this or that ... all I wanted was to raise a family. How cruel life can be .... the family I yearned didn't materialise until about a decade later, when my son was born. Now my life is lived ... for my son because I have no other aim in life. Does that sound noble to you? It doesn't to me. It just sounds pathetic. Don't get me wrong ... I love my son to death but I I kinda feel that there's something missing in my life. What is it ... I really don't know? I thought having a child was the answer to my loneliness, my emptiness ... it wasn't. Though Ryan gives me much joy, love & happiness, I can't help but think that my life is still aimless. He gives me hope, he gives me something to look forward to, he gives me the strength to carry on, he gives me that little bit extra ... just to hold on. I know without Ryan, my life would have been meaningless. At least with him, I knew I was put on this Earth, to give life to him. What else am I here for ... I really don't know?
Sometimes in life, you put in so much hope on a person but a lot of times it backfires. I have come to realise that in life, you can never trust anyone ... ever! The only person you can trust is yourself. You can't trust anyone with your heart, your love, your life ... you can only trust yourself. In life, love can cloud your judgement, love can make you dizzy, love can hypnotise you, love can make you do silly mistakes, love can make you so stupid. I think it is never wise to totally trust anyone a 100 % because every human being is able to hurt another person. Trust is funny thing, its intangible but it is so priceless, once its gone, its gone forever!
Most of the time I am an open book. When I care, I show it, when I'm sad, I show it, when I am disheartened, I show it. I try not to wallow in self pity & I try to pick myself up when I am down. I try to psyche myself up when I need a pep talk. I chide myself when I know I've done wrong. I own up to my mistakes & vow never to repeat them. Although I am a cynical person I choose to believe in love & devotion because that's all I know. I believe when you love someone you love them with all your heart & soul, never doubting, never second-guessing. I guess love clouded my judgement, love made me forget my number 1 rule (made years ago, when my heart was broken by the first love) - Trust no one! I don't understand how I could I have forgotten that mantra. It was a rule I stood by because I have been heart-broken, back-stabbed by so many people I have come to love & called friends that I have lost count. People around me seemed to always hurt me, loyalty be dammed! I knew I lost my way when I choose to trust whole-heartedly once again. Now I know that I been lost & misguided, for I am now reminded that again, you can never trust anyone, with all your heart because people can change on the outside but they can also change on the inside. There are times when you think that you know a person so well that you can "predict" their next move, but when you find out much later that a person can do things out of character & hide stuff, you know then that all is not as it seems.
Why am I talking in riddles? Why am I talking in circles? Because I am ... just so tired. Life has been tough these couple of years but its made bearable, when I think of Ryan. I try so hard to hold on, just for him ... & no one else. Life is so meaningless to me, at times. I don't really know why I'm here or why I'm still around. There are times when I wonder if Ryan deserves a better mother coz I know he deserves so much better. Maybe God gave Ryan to me coz He knew I needed him ... more than he needed me.When Ryan grows up & reads this, I want him to know that he was always wanted. Even if he was born "un-perfect" as the doctors predicted, I would have still loved him, with all my heart & soul. Even if its just left with just the two of us, we will still make it. Even if all hope is gone, I will still fight on ... for him. I know that when God gave Ryan to me, he was more than just another baby, he was God's greatest gift ... to me! I think I badly needed someone to love me for who I am, with all my imperfections. I needed someone who would love me unconditionally. I needed someone who would love me for who I am, not for what I can give. Ryan, is the only person who can love me, for all that I am!
Having been through so much these couple of years, you might think that I am "hardened".
No ... in fact .. I am even more jaded,
more cynical,
more negative,
more pessimistic,
more delusioned.
I have come to realise that life doesn't do you any favours.
I have come to realise that not everyone is kind or generous.
I have come to realise that when you're down in the dumps, no one wants to be your friend.
I have come to realise that a lot of times you don't really know someone.
I have come to realise that buckets of tears don't make your problems go away.
I have come to realise that I can't put my life in someone else's hands.
I have come to realise that I can only depend on myself.
I have come to realise that I have to put myself first, not everyone else.
I have come to realise that I have to stand on my own two feet.
I have come to realise that if things go wrong, I have no one to blame but myself.
I have come to realise that I can't leave my fate in someone else's clutches.
I have come to realise that I can't trust anybody.
I have come to realise that I can't trust love nor friendship.
I have come to realise that I have to save myself, for no one else can.
I have come to realise that I have to believe in myself.
I have come to realise that I need to be strong, for my own sake.
I have come to realise that I love too much, I care too much, I trust too much ...
Now, I need to change that ...
