LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON

As the saying goes, like father like son (or like mother like daughter), I have noticed that a lot of times, its oh so true. Of course, there are things that Ryan takes after me ... but a lot of times its actually funnier if he copies his Daddy (so obviously). I guess its even more hilarious because they are both males & I call Ryan a mini version of Steven. I guess if I had a daughter .. she will probably take after me (now that's a scary thought ... haha! another me!).

These pictures were taken in a foodcourt. Hubby was feeling a bit tired & sleepy ... so after the early dinner of (what else?) prata, he said that he wanted to shut his eyes for a couple of minutes to get his usual "power-nap" (which I am soooo not capable of, as I take eons just to nod off to sleep). So Hubby proceeded to place his head on the table. As usual, my Munchkin ... seeing his Daddy doing something out of the ordinary, just had to follow suit ... but of course!

PS : Trust me ... I did not edge nor told Ryan to copy his Daddy (at all). He did so of his own accord ... so that actually makes it even cuter. I'm glad I got it on film ... haha!

When Daddy woke up (more refreshed), I asked him to take a photo of Ryan & me. Notice the many fingers in his mouth ... yucks! A very bad habit he's developed lately. Hoping he will outgrow it very soon. So unglam!

JUST SOME RANDOM PICS ...

Its approaching midnight. Its time for bed but just thought of putting a short write up. Went through some of the "older" (back-dated) pics I had on hand. These were taken by my trusty Nokia, which has a 5 mega pixel camera. Although its not the latest phone nor the best one around, its been my trusty friend, since last year. Besides, for a handphone camera it takes very good photos (though I do get blurry or over-exposed ones at times). Most times, the pics turn out well & its handy when I don't have my digicam with me or I'm with Ryan alone & can't handle him & the digicam with my 2 hands.

Until my handphone "dies" on me or Nokia comes out with an idiot-proof phone, that has at least a 5 mega pixel camera, I don't see myself changing to an another phone anytime soon. Hmm .. I wonder if the I-phones (Apple) will churn out a 5 or higher mega pixel camera soon? Now, that will pique my interest ... haha! Well, until then ...

The following pictures were taken at Ya Kun (Ah Kun Toast). We were just having our usual tea & toasted kaya bread. I found the two pics of father & son rather cute. Both were smiley & its a good comparison of how they look alike (or not!). Funny, how majority of folks say that Ryan looks a lot like his Daddy (carbon copy?) but there are also people who seem to think that he looks more like me. Personally, I feel Ryan does look a lot like his Papa but at certain angles, he does kinda resemble me. Of course, there are times that I feel Ryan looks nothing (at all) like me ... haha! I guess its because Ryan looks more Chinese than Malay. He's also very fair & his features are more Oriental (if you may) ... except, for his ultra long eyelashes, which never go unnoticed by his many (usually female) "admirers" ... haha!

Even, I am envious of those lashes!

OK, here are the pics!

Playing with Mummy's handphone pouch.

A smiley wave from Daddy. Ryan was wearing his $2 Rocket watch we bought at Bugis ... how cute! Hubby is wearing one of the 2 T-shirts, that was a birthday gift from my elder brother.

Both, smiling for Mummy.

A SAD ANNIVERSARY ...

This is a photo of my dear little pet guinea pig. Her name was Bubbles (yes, like the Powerpuff Girls but she wasn't named after that toon), I just liked the name ... as I had a "bad" habit of naming all (or most) of my own pets with the letter B (coz of my beloved cat who was named, Baby).

The sad anniversary is two ... of sorts. One anniversary is the passing of Bubbles, 2 years ago. Why of all my many pets, was it easiest to remember the anniversary death of my dear Bubbles. That's because she died the night before I had my operation ... after my miscarriage, in 2007. So I guess its hard for me to forget that fateful date. Its clearly etched in my memory ... how I barely coped during that stage.

Some may say that Bubbles passed away ... to "take" my place, as I was having the op & going under anesthesia, etc. Its kinda swapping places, if you may. I try not to think of it coz I would feel really sad if that was the real reason she passed away. All I can recall was that, other than being a bit quiet the day before, Bubbles was happy & healthy. So when we came home from dinner (as I had no mood to cook or to stay home on the eve of the op), I went to her cage to bid her goodnight, as always. Alas ... I realised that she was already gone. Didn't even know when she passed on. I was inconsolable as you can imagine. I just lost my baby & here my poor pet, Bubbles had to die too! Life wasn't fair! Yes, I had my newborn baby, Ryan (who was about 7 & half months by then) & hubby with me, but to lose my new unborn baby & my pet, within a space of a couple of days ... was a bit too much for me to handle. I remembered I sobbed the whole night, I didn't really sleep either. But I knew I had to get a hold of myself. I had to (pretend to) be strong ...

We had to send Ryan to my mum's place before 6 am, the day of the operation, as I had to report at the hospital before 7 am. Huh, & guess what time I finally went into the operation theatre? ... about 2 pm in the afternoon. I spent a good part of the morning in the operating gown & robe, sitting in the waiting area, with other ladies that were probably going through some kind of operation too. Though I suspect that some were not having the "evacuation of the uterus" - the term for my kind of op, as some were rather elderly & some were very young. Besides, no one was really in a chatty mood ... not that I can blame them. I wasn't either ... all I wanted to do was sob in my hubby's shoulders. But as we all do, we put up a brave front & hold back the buckets of tears. I wasn't gonna break down in front of strangers ... no I wasn't!

I remembered after the op, I was numb & feeling hazy. I was assigned a bed for bedrest. Whilst I was having my op, hubby went to SPCA, to have Bubbles cremated. He met up with me when I was wheeled out of the operating theatre. How was the op? It was white, cold, long & then I couldn't remember anything ... I remembered speaking to my gynae before I was knocked out & I also recalled speaking to the anaesthesiologist before things went blank. The wait for operation itself took so long that I was sorta relieved it finally came. When we finally left the hospital at about 8.30 pm that night, we went to my mum's place to fetch my little baby, Ryan ... who never knew what transpired during the day. I remembered that I kept hugging him. Though I lost Megan that day, I still had Ryan with me ...

I kept saying goodbye to my baby, Megan, whilst I was waiting for the op ... eventhough I knew she wasn't there anymore. I knew somewhere, somehow ... she could hear me. I told her I loved her & that I will see her again ... very soon. I still miss her ... If she was here now, she would have been 1 year & 5 & a half months old. Her birth date was 5 March 2008. I think of her all the time ... I can't help it, she's still my baby. Megan Sarah is still my daughter, even though we can't be her parents in this world. But I know that both Steven & me ... will get to meet her & hold her ... one day. One fine day, we will be a family ... again.

I love you ... Megan Sarah.

I miss you ... every day of my life.

RYAN'S 1ST TRIP OUT OF SINGAPORE

(This is a back-dated post - late July).

Ok, so my son has never been out of the country till the day these pictures were taken in July 2009. We didn't go far either ... hehe, just in nearby JB. But its still monumental to us, haha ... suckers we are, for anything out of the ordinary! Infact, we didn't even bother to "make" his passport until very recently as we do not foresee going overseas anytime soon, due to budget constraints. But JB, well ... that's pretty do-able & still affordable, especially as we normally go there to look for cheaper stuff & to buy groceries. Infact, hubby & me haven't been out of the country for more than 4 years! Yes, its been that long! Wow! it seemed like our Gold Coast trip was just yesterday but its been that "ancient"! And within that 4 long years, I got preggers & had a child, who is now approaching three. Wow! how time flies ... its been sooo long!

On this trip, my mum wanted to tag along as she's been stuck in Singapore too, for a long time (haha ... just like us). So as usual, when grandma's with us I try to cater more to her needs & try to bring her to where she wants to explore. As she's keen to buy cheap groceries, that's where we went. Further on we brought her to bargain for the local fruits like cempedak & rambutans. They were a real good buy!

The first batch of photos are of Ryan having a go at the motorised kiddy rides. At first, I was sceptical & was very sure that Ryan will bang into other kids or hit other passerby but I am amazed & proud of my little munchkin. In this case, he is a lot like his Daddy, who is fantastic at maneuvering & driving. Ryan's sense of direction & confidence is surprisingly good for a kid his age. I see a lot of the older kids, who are terrible & are a menace to everyone they pass. I would be like them if I were a kid. I am hopeless at driving anything that moves & I have a horrible sense of direction. I thank God that Ryan takes after his father. There's hope for him yet ...

Can you see Nenek's baju in the background?

Looking very confident, on his mini-bike.

Looking happy indeed!

Looking behind ... some stray drivers are always running into him, which he hates!

Here we are ... having our lunch at where else ... Pizza Hut. Service was a crawling slow, eventhough the restaurant was practically empty. Well, what can you do. Unfortunately, Ryan wasn't interested at all in his lunch. I thought he would at least have some soup & pizza (which he can pronounce now) but alas my hopes we dashed. He was also being very naughty as he didn't want to keep still in his seat. So we tried to distract him by giving him a pen & paper to doddle. The adults, as usual, enjoyed the meal. Is it my imagination ... but isn't Pizza Hut tastier in Malaysia than in Singapore? Maybe coz its sooo much cheaper to eat there than locally ... haha, maybe that's why its tastier. Ok, you be your own judge!

Hubby having a "tough" time choosing between 2 glasses. Can you see my & my mum's reflection in the mirror? I was snapping this pic ... haha!

Grandma (my mum) waiting not so patiently for the slow pizza. She doesn't really like to take photos either, but I told her she didn't have a choice ... haha!

Can you see the bulge in Ryan's mouth? He's eating ice chips ... haha, a rather bad habit he picked up from his Mummy.

Ok, I made hubby take a photo of mother & daughter together. Haha ... can't you tell that I look like my mum?

We will definitely drop by JB more often now, as we realised that the groceries are so much cheaper there. Too bad the traffic jam can be "vomit" inducing & tough on the butt (for sitting so long in the car) but we suffer through it ... so we can save some money & get to do it as a family. It won't be our last trip, I can assure you!

YES, I'M STILL ALIVE!

Yep! Still here ... just been rather busy with daily stuff & never found the time to log on to update the blog. As I recalled that the last couple of weeks entry have been sombre & absolutely negative ... I decided that I had enough of the pessimism & negativity. Although, things are still raw & I am still in "recovery" mode, life goes on rite? ... I am trying my best, to be more upbeat & chirpy, making my son happy by bringing him to new places or just making his day.

Just trying to make life, as per normal ... how normal is normal? Errm ... as normal as normal can get. Life is still tough, we trudge along as best we can, we still clamber through our boring & mundane life but we still have to live our live, as long as we are still on this Earth.

ITS BEEN ALMOST A YEAR

Wow! How time flies! As I look over my blog, I realised that it's 1st year anniversary is approaching. Ok, so I'm a sucker for anniversary & stuff coz I believe every year in passing is a milestone in one way or another. It means that you have lived ... & however that year pans out, you would have lived your life ... in its entirety. So whatever life has in store for you, the past year is a lesson in itself. A year full of memories, good & bad.

As I am going through some emotional stuff, I am bogged down with things that I haven't even begun to sort out. It looks like when I started this blog last year, around our National Day on the 9th of August, I recalled the happy family we had. How we made loops around the CBD area to find that elusive spot to catch the fireworks' brilliance. And eventhough my son, turned out absolutely petrified, of the blasts in the night sky, I can see he enjoyed the journey we took together. I never thought wanting to see fireworks could be so exciting.

This year, as we approach our nation's 44th birthday, I feel a sense of sadness. It doesn't really feel festive to me coz I am in no mood to celebrate. I am happy that Singapore is safe from terrorist acts & that its recovering from the recession but there's a lot of things that needs attention, in our country. I feel blessed to live in a country that allows me to walk out of my home feeling safe but I also feel that a lot more can be done to build a better home for all of us, Singaporeans. Well, I still look forward to the day when we can all be happy ... I still have a lot of hopes for my country. Maybe I will live to see it, maybe I won't. At least I hope Ryan will get to live in a better Singapore than the one I lived, in my lifetime.

As for the long weekend, we will try to maximise the time of leisure, as we always do. I am trying to spend more time with my hubby & son ... trying to get back to basics. I am trying my best to make life as normal as it was, damn be my broken heart ... life still has to go on, especially for my 2 & a half year old, who is oblivious to the happenings around him. Whatever plans we have, we always try to spend it as a family. I told hubby to go & do some fishing this weekend as I think its a good time for the both of us to have some personal space & to do some soul searching. Though I will be doing that at home with my son (as usual), I think its a small step forward ... for everyone.

I am just trying to do my best ...

I'M STILL HERE ...

Its the 7th of August 2009. Yes, I'm still here ... pottering around, living my daily mundane life as I always do. Whats new? Nothing, really. Whats changed? Plenty ... I guess.

Everyday I wake up with a heavy heart. I dunno why. Every once in a while I feel the hurt & I sense the anger and sadness building up. I feel so many emotions ... I am far from letting it all go. Nearly 2 weeks have passed. Normality is slowly creeping up but all is far from being peachy. Somehow, I feel dark cloudy skies above me, making everything I see, in shades of grey. And my heart ... its far from healed. I feel a dusty covering enveloping it & I can't seem to shake it off. Is this what I am gonna have to deal with .... until I can forgive? Is this gonna be the state of my life?

I find it hard to accept my new reality. I thought my life was pretty good. No, my life is far from perfect but it was as good as it can get. I had a beautiful family, caring extended family, good friends & though we could always use more money, life was bearable & I couldn't ask for more, for fear of being labelled greedy. Last week ... I realised that my so called good life was but a mirage. All is not what it seemed ... I must either have been blind or just gullible ... that someone like me can be oh so lucky. I thought that everything was in its place but I guess its obvious now ... that it wasn't!

What do I do with what I know now?

I can't let go neither can I walk away.

I can't seem to forgive nor can I even try to forget.

I can't live on nor do I want it to end.

How do I move on? How do I let go?

Does time heals? Does time reveal?

The aching in my heart, the bleeding of my soul

The damage of my heart, the crushing of my soul

What do I do now? How should I feel?

Where do I turn? Where shall I go?

So many questions, no real answers

All that I have is me ... but is that ever enough!

I don't know where to go, which road to choose

I don't know anything, am I ready to choose?

I'm trying to move on as best I can

With my heart on my sleeve, I take my breath.

As best I can, I will take on

Whatever it is, I have to move on.

Whatever may come, there's where I'll be

I'll still be here, as ready as can be.

Though life has given me many blows

I take it all & let it flow.

What tomorrow will bring, I will never know

I have to be strong, that much I know ...

Thank you God, for keeping me safe. Thank you God, for keeping me strong.

I will raise on this journey ... for it is Your will

I will keep on fighting ... until You find me

I will keep on surviving ... until You feel ... its time for me to leave.

A NEW WEEK, A NEW START?

It is now Monday. Another week has just begun ...

Last week, was an extremely tough week for me. As I look through the week's entries, I realised they were full of sad, depressing words. No cute pictures, no smiley photographs. Last week, I was consumed with anger, rage & sadness. I felt betrayed & attacked. I was feeling vulnerable & I felt helpless. I was heart broken ...

A week later, things are still not back to normal ... but I am slowly seeing things more clearly. All is not well, nothing is forgiven, the hurt is still there, the damage is done. I can't change the past ... all I can do is shape my future. I am still an emotional mess right now but life has to go on. Things still need to get done, chores need to be completed, the laundry still need to get washed, we still need to eat ... we still need to breathe.

I feel thoroughly drained - emotionally, physically, mentally! It has been a whirlwind ride ... & not in a good way! I feel pulled in so many directions, I feel so conflicted, I have lost my appetite ... literally! (which is so rare for me coz i love to eat & am always hungry). I am in dilemma limbo ... I sometimes don't know what to do or how to feel. There have been so many highs & lows ... I just don't know which way to go. There are times I just want to let all these hurt go & pretend that things are a-okay, back to normal. But there are times I just wanna get up & walk away. Why am I still around? Why do I still stay? Why oh why?

I know ... at the end of the day, there's a lesson to learn from all of this. Some ... I can see clearly but at times I don't really see the lesson that I'm supposed to take from. I know that God wanted me to "wake up". I know God wanted me to learn from it. I know God wanted me to be a better person. I know God has His reasons.

I have decided to make some changes in my life. I feel that there are some things that I can take ownership of ... I am not faultless! I have to decide to take things into my hands ... I have to change where I can & accept those that I can't. There are so many things to consider, there are so many things involved ... it encompasses so many elements. But I try to make small baby steps, I try to change a little at a time.

Whether these changes are the answers, whether what I'm doing is right ... I'm just trying to do what feels right. Yes, I follow my heart ... not necessarily my mind. That always puts me in jeopardy & in harm's way but that's the only way I know how to live my life. It may not be the best way ... but I've always been guided by my heart & it hasn't failed me yet ... so far.

The only thing is ... my heart is so conflicted right now. I feel angry but I also feel peace. I feel rage but I also feel love. I feel so betrayed but I also feel belonged. The one that betrayed has made a real concerted effort. I can see the sincerity, I can see the effort, I can feel the love, I can feel the regret, I can sense the need ... so I am meeting it, halfway.

I am leaving my heart open ... so that it can somehow, somewhat ... start to heal. But I know I am not ready ... yet, to forgive! Maybe ... someday ...

I don't know how my life will pan out. I don't know how I will feel tomorrow ... even, I just live each day as best I can. I have much to learn, I have much to heal, I have much to sort out but I am trying my darnest. God ... help me!

A NEW DAY ...

Its Saturday, the 1st of AUGUST, its now 4.06 am ... I can't seem to sleep.

So I sit here, writing this.

Ryan seem to wake up every couple of minutes, crying for me, wanting me to hold him, touch him, assure him, that I am here ....

I wonder if he knows that I'm wide awake, that I can't sleep ...

& he just wants to keep me company.


Its now 4.34 am, I will try to lay my head down & not think of my broken heart.

Its hard ... but I will try.

Soon dawn will break ... I wonder what the day will be, I wonder what the world has in store for me!

I Hate You Then I Love You BY CELINE DION & PAVAROTTI


CELINE
I'd like to run away from you
But if I were to leave you I would die
I'd like to break the chains you put around me
And yet I'll never try

PAVAROTTI
No matter what you do you drive me crazy
I'd rather be alone
But then I know my life would be so empty
As soon as you were gone

Impossible to live with you
But I could never live without you
For whatever you do

CELINE
For whatever you do

DUET
I never, never, never
Want to be in love with anyone but you

CELINE
You make me sad
You make me strong
You make me mad
You make me long for you

PAVAROTTI
You make me long for you

DUET
You make me live
You make me die

CELINE
You make me laugh
You make me cry for you

PAVAROTTI
You make me cry for you

DUET
I hate you
Then I love you
Then I love you
Then I hate you

CELINE
Then I love you more

DUET
For whatever you do I never, never, never
Want to be in love with anyone but you

PAVAROTTI
You treat me wrong
You treat me right
You let me be
You make me fight with you

CELINE
I could never live without you

DUET
You make me high
You bring me down
You set me free
You hold me bound to you
I hate you
Then I love you
Then I love you
Then I hate you

PAVAROTTI
Then I love you more
I love you more
For whatever you do

CELINE
For whatever you do

DUET
I never, never, never
Want to be in love with anyone but you

PAVAROTTI
I never, never, never

CELINE
I never, never, never

DUET
I never, never, never
Want to be in love with anyone but you
But you

I'm With You by Avril Lavigne

I'm standin' on the bridge
I'm waitin' in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's no sound
Isn't anyone tryin' to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home?

It's a damn cold night
I'm tryin' to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand?
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I'm, I'm with you
I'm with you

Hmm hmm hmm .....
I'm looking for a place
I'm searching for a face
Is anybody here I know?
'Cause nothing's going right
And everything's a mess
And no one likes to be alone
Isn't anyone tryin' to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home?

It's a damn cold night
I try to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand?
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I'm, I'm with you
I'm with you
Yea yea

Oh, why is everything so confusing?
Maybe I'm just out of my mind
Yea eee yeah, yea eee yeahYea yee yea, yea eee yeah,yeah

It's a damn cold night
Tryin' to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand?
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I'm, I'm with you, yeaI'm with you, yea

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I'm, I'm with you, yeaI'm with you, yea
Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I'm, I'm with you, ohI'm with you
I'm with you

I Can't Make You Love Me by Bonnie Rait (1991)


Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize
Don't patronize me.

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't.

I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holdin me
Mornin will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight.

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't.

Seasons change ...

Feelings change ...

People change ...