A NEW WEEK, A NEW START?

It is now Monday. Another week has just begun ...

Last week, was an extremely tough week for me. As I look through the week's entries, I realised they were full of sad, depressing words. No cute pictures, no smiley photographs. Last week, I was consumed with anger, rage & sadness. I felt betrayed & attacked. I was feeling vulnerable & I felt helpless. I was heart broken ...

A week later, things are still not back to normal ... but I am slowly seeing things more clearly. All is not well, nothing is forgiven, the hurt is still there, the damage is done. I can't change the past ... all I can do is shape my future. I am still an emotional mess right now but life has to go on. Things still need to get done, chores need to be completed, the laundry still need to get washed, we still need to eat ... we still need to breathe.

I feel thoroughly drained - emotionally, physically, mentally! It has been a whirlwind ride ... & not in a good way! I feel pulled in so many directions, I feel so conflicted, I have lost my appetite ... literally! (which is so rare for me coz i love to eat & am always hungry). I am in dilemma limbo ... I sometimes don't know what to do or how to feel. There have been so many highs & lows ... I just don't know which way to go. There are times I just want to let all these hurt go & pretend that things are a-okay, back to normal. But there are times I just wanna get up & walk away. Why am I still around? Why do I still stay? Why oh why?

I know ... at the end of the day, there's a lesson to learn from all of this. Some ... I can see clearly but at times I don't really see the lesson that I'm supposed to take from. I know that God wanted me to "wake up". I know God wanted me to learn from it. I know God wanted me to be a better person. I know God has His reasons.

I have decided to make some changes in my life. I feel that there are some things that I can take ownership of ... I am not faultless! I have to decide to take things into my hands ... I have to change where I can & accept those that I can't. There are so many things to consider, there are so many things involved ... it encompasses so many elements. But I try to make small baby steps, I try to change a little at a time.

Whether these changes are the answers, whether what I'm doing is right ... I'm just trying to do what feels right. Yes, I follow my heart ... not necessarily my mind. That always puts me in jeopardy & in harm's way but that's the only way I know how to live my life. It may not be the best way ... but I've always been guided by my heart & it hasn't failed me yet ... so far.

The only thing is ... my heart is so conflicted right now. I feel angry but I also feel peace. I feel rage but I also feel love. I feel so betrayed but I also feel belonged. The one that betrayed has made a real concerted effort. I can see the sincerity, I can see the effort, I can feel the love, I can feel the regret, I can sense the need ... so I am meeting it, halfway.

I am leaving my heart open ... so that it can somehow, somewhat ... start to heal. But I know I am not ready ... yet, to forgive! Maybe ... someday ...

I don't know how my life will pan out. I don't know how I will feel tomorrow ... even, I just live each day as best I can. I have much to learn, I have much to heal, I have much to sort out but I am trying my darnest. God ... help me!