IS IT DECEMBER ALREADY???

Yep, a whole year is nearly coming to an end ... so have you done everything you set out to do in wee January 2009?

Me ... I stopped making new year resolutions so many eons ago ... coz first, I never get them done (haha! lazy being the key word here). Secondly. resolutions become meaningless when its all a bunch of "promises" that are always-never fulfilled. Thirdly, I know myself too well ... it'll just be a waste of time to tell myself, order thyself to go and do something ...

So after all is said & done, the year is gonna end whether I made resolutions or not. Whether I made it through the year, unscathed & alive is more important to me. This year has been a mixed bag of emotions - good & bad, happy & sad. There were high points & low ones were, aplenty.

I learnt a lot about myself ... how weak I can get, how strong I can be, how the future ... can be changed if I want it to. As we enter the month of December, I foresee a bunch of enjoyable times ahead - with bonuses, birthdays, public holidays, etc. But December also brings a lot of sadness to me too - its the month my lovable cat, Baby died (last year, in 2008). It is also the month my dear Mother-in-law passed away.

I know Hubby always gets (very) sad this time of the year. I know he misses his dear mum very much. I miss her too ... sometimes. She was a gentle, loving, wonderful lady. I lucked out when I got her as my mum-in-law coz I never had an "evil", demanding, naggy or ever-imposing MIL, like a lot of married women. I had a relatively smooth relationship with her. She was very caring, ever self-sacrificing (to a point of suffering) & she's always concerned about our well-being.

One of my greatest regret was not being able to have my son, Ryan ... whilst she was still alive. I know she would have loved Ryan very very much. He (Ryan) would be her only grandson ... to carry on the family's surname. And I guess coz Ryan looks soo much like his Daddy, I know Mum would have loved him even more.

I was blog-hopping the other day & saw a bunch of cute photos of a cat that looked like Baby. I was quickly reminded of him, how he used to meow (excessively), greedily eat too much, slept like a piggy & being nonchalant about most things around him. When he was alive, he did not fail to "irritate" me (most days) but I knew I loved him. Being with me for close to 18 long years, he was like a "son" to me, someone that I had the responsibility to take care of ... until his end of days.

Why do we miss the ones we love so much ... when they are surely gone? Is it because we miss telling them, how much we loved them, how much they mean to us, how much they brighten our days, how much regret ... we would feel in our hearts because we were too shy ... to say it? Why do we keep silent with tender words of kindness (& love) but easily lambast those who hurt us? Isn't it more fulfilling to tell someone you love them ... rather then being nasty & horrible to them? We don't value the ones that we love, the ones that love us despite our imperfections, in spite of all our weaknesses, in spite of all of our wrong-doings, in spite of all our warts! Shouldn't we show & profess love ... now .... before its too late ... for regrets!

I do not wish to live with regrets (though that's aplenty) ... that's why I am making a concerted effort (more than ever) to tell & show the people who love me .... that I love them too. Who knows ... if our time runs short? Who knows if its our (or their) time to leave? Who knows what tomorrow brings? Everyone ... please give the ones you love, a big hug tonight! It'll be worth it, I tell you!

Sigh ... I guess we all miss ... the ones that are gone, the ones that are lost .... but they will always be remembered in our hearts ... forever.

Rest in peace, Mum & Baby! We miss you both ... always!

P.S : As I write & read this entry, I can't help but have tears in my eyes. Yes ... I'm mushy & cry easily but ... I can't help it. That's just who I am, I guess.

A SAD ANNIVERSARY ...

This is a photo of my dear little pet guinea pig. Her name was Bubbles (yes, like the Powerpuff Girls but she wasn't named after that toon), I just liked the name ... as I had a "bad" habit of naming all (or most) of my own pets with the letter B (coz of my beloved cat who was named, Baby).

The sad anniversary is two ... of sorts. One anniversary is the passing of Bubbles, 2 years ago. Why of all my many pets, was it easiest to remember the anniversary death of my dear Bubbles. That's because she died the night before I had my operation ... after my miscarriage, in 2007. So I guess its hard for me to forget that fateful date. Its clearly etched in my memory ... how I barely coped during that stage.

Some may say that Bubbles passed away ... to "take" my place, as I was having the op & going under anesthesia, etc. Its kinda swapping places, if you may. I try not to think of it coz I would feel really sad if that was the real reason she passed away. All I can recall was that, other than being a bit quiet the day before, Bubbles was happy & healthy. So when we came home from dinner (as I had no mood to cook or to stay home on the eve of the op), I went to her cage to bid her goodnight, as always. Alas ... I realised that she was already gone. Didn't even know when she passed on. I was inconsolable as you can imagine. I just lost my baby & here my poor pet, Bubbles had to die too! Life wasn't fair! Yes, I had my newborn baby, Ryan (who was about 7 & half months by then) & hubby with me, but to lose my new unborn baby & my pet, within a space of a couple of days ... was a bit too much for me to handle. I remembered I sobbed the whole night, I didn't really sleep either. But I knew I had to get a hold of myself. I had to (pretend to) be strong ...

We had to send Ryan to my mum's place before 6 am, the day of the operation, as I had to report at the hospital before 7 am. Huh, & guess what time I finally went into the operation theatre? ... about 2 pm in the afternoon. I spent a good part of the morning in the operating gown & robe, sitting in the waiting area, with other ladies that were probably going through some kind of operation too. Though I suspect that some were not having the "evacuation of the uterus" - the term for my kind of op, as some were rather elderly & some were very young. Besides, no one was really in a chatty mood ... not that I can blame them. I wasn't either ... all I wanted to do was sob in my hubby's shoulders. But as we all do, we put up a brave front & hold back the buckets of tears. I wasn't gonna break down in front of strangers ... no I wasn't!

I remembered after the op, I was numb & feeling hazy. I was assigned a bed for bedrest. Whilst I was having my op, hubby went to SPCA, to have Bubbles cremated. He met up with me when I was wheeled out of the operating theatre. How was the op? It was white, cold, long & then I couldn't remember anything ... I remembered speaking to my gynae before I was knocked out & I also recalled speaking to the anaesthesiologist before things went blank. The wait for operation itself took so long that I was sorta relieved it finally came. When we finally left the hospital at about 8.30 pm that night, we went to my mum's place to fetch my little baby, Ryan ... who never knew what transpired during the day. I remembered that I kept hugging him. Though I lost Megan that day, I still had Ryan with me ...

I kept saying goodbye to my baby, Megan, whilst I was waiting for the op ... eventhough I knew she wasn't there anymore. I knew somewhere, somehow ... she could hear me. I told her I loved her & that I will see her again ... very soon. I still miss her ... If she was here now, she would have been 1 year & 5 & a half months old. Her birth date was 5 March 2008. I think of her all the time ... I can't help it, she's still my baby. Megan Sarah is still my daughter, even though we can't be her parents in this world. But I know that both Steven & me ... will get to meet her & hold her ... one day. One fine day, we will be a family ... again.

I love you ... Megan Sarah.

I miss you ... every day of my life.

FEELING SAD ...

There are times in your life that you have to forgive & forget. There are times in your life, you just need to overlook stuff, & life has to be like normal again. I am at that stage in my life right now ... I have some knowledge that someone very dear to me have been doing some rather hurtful things behind my back ... & I can't seem to over-look it .... I can't pretend that everything's peachy. I am not that kind of person ... who is good at pretending, "acting" ... when I am feeling sad I dun hide it, when I am upset I dun hide it, when I'm hurt I dun hide it.

I don't pretend to be perfect because I am not. I am full of imperfections & I have a lot of faults. I am no beauty nor do I bother to be vain, as its not the top of my priority. All that matters to me in life ... is my family. Is is so simplistic of me? To just want a happy family life? Is it too much to ask?

What should I do? What is it that I need to do ... in order for me to get pass this? Is it even worth it??? Why should I torture myself so much ... when its others who hurt me? Am I so unlovable that the people I love ... constantly hurt me? Why am I so useless? What is it about me that gives people the right to bully & hurt me? WHAT ??? Please tell me ... coz I am sick & tired of being hurt by people, who say they care, they love, they treasure me ... but do so many things to break my heart.

People judge me & say that I'm rigid ... but is it wrong to ask for some respect?

Is is so much to ask for some self-respect?

Is it so much to ask form the people you love & care about ... not to hurt your feelings?

Is is so much to expect the ones you love ... not to break your heart?

Is it so much to expect people not to betray your trust?

Maybe I am asking for too much!

Who am I ... to ask to be loved, cared, treasured, respected .... I'm just a nobody.

Maybe that's why I don't deserve anything ... not even some miserable happiness!