ITS BEEN ALMOST A YEAR

Wow! How time flies! As I look over my blog, I realised that it's 1st year anniversary is approaching. Ok, so I'm a sucker for anniversary & stuff coz I believe every year in passing is a milestone in one way or another. It means that you have lived ... & however that year pans out, you would have lived your life ... in its entirety. So whatever life has in store for you, the past year is a lesson in itself. A year full of memories, good & bad.

As I am going through some emotional stuff, I am bogged down with things that I haven't even begun to sort out. It looks like when I started this blog last year, around our National Day on the 9th of August, I recalled the happy family we had. How we made loops around the CBD area to find that elusive spot to catch the fireworks' brilliance. And eventhough my son, turned out absolutely petrified, of the blasts in the night sky, I can see he enjoyed the journey we took together. I never thought wanting to see fireworks could be so exciting.

This year, as we approach our nation's 44th birthday, I feel a sense of sadness. It doesn't really feel festive to me coz I am in no mood to celebrate. I am happy that Singapore is safe from terrorist acts & that its recovering from the recession but there's a lot of things that needs attention, in our country. I feel blessed to live in a country that allows me to walk out of my home feeling safe but I also feel that a lot more can be done to build a better home for all of us, Singaporeans. Well, I still look forward to the day when we can all be happy ... I still have a lot of hopes for my country. Maybe I will live to see it, maybe I won't. At least I hope Ryan will get to live in a better Singapore than the one I lived, in my lifetime.

As for the long weekend, we will try to maximise the time of leisure, as we always do. I am trying to spend more time with my hubby & son ... trying to get back to basics. I am trying my best to make life as normal as it was, damn be my broken heart ... life still has to go on, especially for my 2 & a half year old, who is oblivious to the happenings around him. Whatever plans we have, we always try to spend it as a family. I told hubby to go & do some fishing this weekend as I think its a good time for the both of us to have some personal space & to do some soul searching. Though I will be doing that at home with my son (as usual), I think its a small step forward ... for everyone.

I am just trying to do my best ...

I'M STILL HERE ...

Its the 7th of August 2009. Yes, I'm still here ... pottering around, living my daily mundane life as I always do. Whats new? Nothing, really. Whats changed? Plenty ... I guess.

Everyday I wake up with a heavy heart. I dunno why. Every once in a while I feel the hurt & I sense the anger and sadness building up. I feel so many emotions ... I am far from letting it all go. Nearly 2 weeks have passed. Normality is slowly creeping up but all is far from being peachy. Somehow, I feel dark cloudy skies above me, making everything I see, in shades of grey. And my heart ... its far from healed. I feel a dusty covering enveloping it & I can't seem to shake it off. Is this what I am gonna have to deal with .... until I can forgive? Is this gonna be the state of my life?

I find it hard to accept my new reality. I thought my life was pretty good. No, my life is far from perfect but it was as good as it can get. I had a beautiful family, caring extended family, good friends & though we could always use more money, life was bearable & I couldn't ask for more, for fear of being labelled greedy. Last week ... I realised that my so called good life was but a mirage. All is not what it seemed ... I must either have been blind or just gullible ... that someone like me can be oh so lucky. I thought that everything was in its place but I guess its obvious now ... that it wasn't!

What do I do with what I know now?

I can't let go neither can I walk away.

I can't seem to forgive nor can I even try to forget.

I can't live on nor do I want it to end.

How do I move on? How do I let go?

Does time heals? Does time reveal?

The aching in my heart, the bleeding of my soul

The damage of my heart, the crushing of my soul

What do I do now? How should I feel?

Where do I turn? Where shall I go?

So many questions, no real answers

All that I have is me ... but is that ever enough!

I don't know where to go, which road to choose

I don't know anything, am I ready to choose?

I'm trying to move on as best I can

With my heart on my sleeve, I take my breath.

As best I can, I will take on

Whatever it is, I have to move on.

Whatever may come, there's where I'll be

I'll still be here, as ready as can be.

Though life has given me many blows

I take it all & let it flow.

What tomorrow will bring, I will never know

I have to be strong, that much I know ...

Thank you God, for keeping me safe. Thank you God, for keeping me strong.

I will raise on this journey ... for it is Your will

I will keep on fighting ... until You find me

I will keep on surviving ... until You feel ... its time for me to leave.