POUTS & TANTRUMS

Looking at these photos, I can't recall what transpired (haha ... am I just getting old & my memory is failing me or its just too many tantrum-throwing that I can't recall them all). I caught many grumpy looks & even some hand-pointing. Not a pretty picture I tell you but nonetheless important to etch in memory.

We all love to think that our children are perfect little angels. The reality is ... they are NOT! My Ryan ain't no angel, I am the first in line to admit that. He sometimes throws tantrums or gives me sour-grumpy looks when he doesn't get his way. But that does not mean that I let him get away with it! No siree!

I am one of those parent that would rather reprimand my own child when he misbehaves than let someone else do the scolding. I am aghast at rude & bad behaviour, especially from children. I also don't understand when parents can just sit back & let their kids say whatever they want, do whatever they want! Does that make it ok? ... just because the parents choose to keep quiet & let the ugly behaviour transpire? I think not! I may not be able to teach other people's children some manners but I'll be damned if my child takes after that bad behaviour. I think I need to speak up more if I want Ryan to grow up to be a respectable man. Shouldn't we teach our children from young? Shouldn't we protect our kids from being bullied? Do we sit back & say nothing ... or do we speak up ... for our kid's sake?

Ryan may not be the best behaved child nor the most gracious, but it is very important to me that he learns to be nice, courteous & honourable.

Now ... if only he would learn to share his things ... that would be good, no?

Still looking sweet here ...

Sour, angry!

Hey! Stop gritting your teeth & stop pointing, boy!

THE LUO HAN BUMP ... LUMP

A couple of years back, Singapore was gripped with Luo Han "fever". As Singaporeans can't get enough of things that bring you luck, prosperity & ahem ... money, nearly every fish loving enthusiast had a Luo Han or two, at home. Haha ... we were no different. They could cost up to tens of thousands of dollars. We ... were contented with ones that costs just a couple of bucks (they have since died, due to fish-disease).

Ok, the story links up to the Luo Han fish ... because somewhere in early September 2009, my dear son had the unfortunate luck to land straight on his forehead after repeatedly being told to stop jumping on our bed. As you would have guessed, Ryan landed face down, before Hubby could get to him on time (muah was in the loo ... when I heard the loud thud & subsequently Ryan screaming!). Ryan was bawling his eyes out! He was crying so loudly & the bump was sooo huge, it scared the hell out of me! We quickly calmed him down & managed to put ice on the bump (plus Zambuck, of course). After awhile, he calmed down & so did the big lump. We decided to wait & see ... before we decided to bring him to see the doctor.

The following day, the bump decided to reappear big time, after Ryan accidentally rubbed on it. It grew even bigger than the previous night. Hubby was at work so I called him to hurry back home. I was petrified! After a short discussion, we decided to bring Ryan to the KK Emergency Department, to check if it was more serious than we thought. Call me a super-kiasu parent, but I wasn't gonna gamble on my son's health & well-being. Some people may think ... its just a bump, what's the worry? But a bump that re-appeared worst than when it happened? ... errm, I wasn't gonna risk it! My instincts told me to go for a check, an X-ray .... to give me peace of mind. So we waited ... patiently, for Hubby to be back home ....

A picture of the Luo Han or Flowerhorn Fish

A picture of my son, Ryan ... less than 24 hours after the fall.

At the Emergency Department, waiting for our turn.

Does he look like he's in pain, to you?

On the 3rd day, after the fall. The doc said there were no cracks visible in the X-ray. So we were very relieved!

I wasn't trying to make a joke out of my poor son's fall but Ryan did look like he had a Luo Han's bump on his forehead. Of all his falls, this was the worst by far. I really really hope it will be the last ... for my hyper-active boy (though I really doubt so). The bruise took a very long time to disappear. Until today, there's a slight bump where the bruise was ... I wonder if it will ever level? Maybe it will always remain there, as a "soldier's" scar of battle.

A lesson learnt people ... NEVER JUMP ON YOUR PARENT'S BED! - you might just end up falling on your face!

IT'S BUM-BEE TIME

So ... Ryan is still obsessed with Bumble Bee & the Transformers gang. Anywhere we go, if he sees toys & such, he will look up to us (rather adoringly, if I may say so) & say "See Mem-Mem?" What is Mem-Men, you may ask? Mem-Mem is Ryan's definition of anything that's not remotely human - that includes alien-robots (Transformers), superheroes with costumes/masks (Spiderman, Batman), etc. So everytime he sees the Transformers robots, he will excitedly say "Mem-Mem", which we (as dutiful parents, repeat after the "genius" child) by saying & agreeing with this "unknown" word to mankind - "Yah! Its Mem-Mem!" ... haha!

I tell you, we often get stares from strangers when we humour our kid, by repeating his unintelligible words. Yes, we chose not to "correct" our child but its not to purposely let him pick up words that are wrong or doesn't exist. We realised that a lot of times, when we let him label things in his own "unique" way, using his made-up definition & dictionary, he actually ends up learning more. If I kept on trying to teach him something that he's not ready for, I know that I would end up (mostly) frustrated & Ryan would end up, not learning anything (at all). Many a times, we've let go of Ryan's imperfect pronunciation & enunciation because I really believe in the end, everything will sort itself out. Naive though it may sound, but its usually true.

Another example of Ryan's mis-pronunciation, if you may is ... byes. Yep, my son says BYE with an extra S. Plural or not, I encourage him to say bye (& bid farewell) to whomever it may be, for its the thought that counts ... not the extra S behind the BYE. And though its grammatically incorrect, as a 2 year old, I think its forgivable ... don't ya think? Besides, when I was 2 ... I really doubt I was even able to say BYE or possess half the vocabulary of Ryan's, but look where I am now.

So even though I'm not unduly worried about Ryan's grasp of the English language, I realise that I am rather relaxed about his grammar & pronunciation (at his age now). I don't think anyone expects a two & a half year old to be able to recite passages in prefect grammar. Not that Ryan is capable of that ... infact he might be considered a mish mash, as he sometimes mix his English, with a sprinkling of Malay. Well, he is half Malay after all ... it does make sense, duh! Well, on Chinese, blame his Daddy if his son can't speak any or Cantonese for that matter. I foresee spending lots of money on Chinese tuition, when Ryan goes off to school. Arggh!

OK, OK .... I'm digressing. This post is after all, about the lovable Bumble Bee. Whenever we pass any poster or mock-up of Bumble Bee (or Transformers), we can't help but take a few shots for the album. This time, its no different.

One, with Mummy! (Hubby took this photo)

Another, with Daddy! (I took this photo - notice that the "frame" of the photo is much nicer than the above, taken by Hubby. I guess having taken a million pics of my son ... has made me a much better photographer, after all .. haha!)

So the next time, Ryan comes out to any of you guys that know us (as a family), & he says Mem-Mem ... I know that you guys would humour him by saying - Yes its Mem-Mem/Transformers/ Spiderman, coz you would know what Mem-Mem means (by now) to that little boy. Thank you for making Ryan happy .... his parents appreciate it! ; )

IT MUST HAVE BEEN A SATURDAY

Why the title of this entry? Haha ... its because on a lot of our carefree Saturdays, we tend to take the bus (& train) to have our breakfast, in the neighbourhood (coz we can't drive). But all that will change, with the new announcement this week, that all OPC car owners can drive ALL DAY on Saturdays & the eves of the 5 major Public holidays, starting end of Jan 2010. Hooray! Its about time man! I've always found the 3pm time (rather stupid) coz its neither here nor there ... duh! But of course, there's a trade off right? We need to pay slightly higher road tax, which I see as a small price to pay ... to be able to use our car on all Saturdays of the year. We really can't wait for it to come true ... don't understand why they have to wait till Jan next year though. Oh well, can't complain ... just gotta bear with it, I guess - grin grin!

One other clue ... Hubby was carrying the smaller blue haversack (which is now unusable coz we just broke the side buckle recently). If we were driving, I would probably be hauling the smaller pink carry-on for Ryan's stuff (plain drinking water & his trusty supply of milk). Oh well, Saturday or not, you can see us bright & early ... catering to our boy's (many) whims of his eggy prata, for his usual weekend breakfast.

Waiting patiently for our prata supply to be ready!

Don't you think that Ryan smiles ... just like his Daddy?

After filling our tummies, we headed down the escalator. The photographer Mummy thought that it would be a swell idea to get some pics of her two boys down the flight of moving stairs. It was made possible because the escalator was empty & rather long. They were both game for the shots, so that made it easier for me to catch them at their most natural. We decided to bring Ryan to the nearby arcade. We have , for the longest time tried to avoid arcades of any kind because we were very sure that Ryan will get "addicted" to them (which turned out to be right). Most times he will be extremely reluctant when time comes to leave but as a treat. we still bring him to these arcade (sometimes).


A lot of times, its just to sit on the rides (no money or tokens involved) but of course, at times we cave in & allow some rides or games. I'm all for some enjoyment & games ... I just don't want it to become a norm or expectation that Ryan gets to play all the games that he wants. That's not what I want to teach my child. Its ok to play some games & such but if it becomes an obsession & an "obligation", that's where it stops being a "playtime" & becomes a tug-of-war of, if the parent wants to keep the child from throwing a tantrum, she has to give in to the kid's demands. I definitely don't want to go there ... nor do I wanna encourage free-play for all. I know I have to tread a very fine line of finding new experiences, giving my son a good childhood & trying to be a good-enough parent ... that's trying to find a balance between play & learn (especially when he starts going to school, next year). Well, I'm still trying ...

Posing on the car ride.

Ryan was wearing his new Bumble Bee watch (purchased at Toy's R Us).

Again ... posing at the carousel.

Nice horsey!

Banging on drums, with the sticks!

Singtel had a F1 car (which had a game installed inside the driver's seat) in the atrium. I guess its for die-hard F1 fans (not for muah).

Made Hubby & son pose beside the car.

Hubby looks tired ... errm, its still too early in the day to be tired but that little bundle on his lap, can tire any adult, without even trying ... haha!

ITS BEEN ALMOST A YEAR

Wow! How time flies! As I look over my blog, I realised that it's 1st year anniversary is approaching. Ok, so I'm a sucker for anniversary & stuff coz I believe every year in passing is a milestone in one way or another. It means that you have lived ... & however that year pans out, you would have lived your life ... in its entirety. So whatever life has in store for you, the past year is a lesson in itself. A year full of memories, good & bad.

As I am going through some emotional stuff, I am bogged down with things that I haven't even begun to sort out. It looks like when I started this blog last year, around our National Day on the 9th of August, I recalled the happy family we had. How we made loops around the CBD area to find that elusive spot to catch the fireworks' brilliance. And eventhough my son, turned out absolutely petrified, of the blasts in the night sky, I can see he enjoyed the journey we took together. I never thought wanting to see fireworks could be so exciting.

This year, as we approach our nation's 44th birthday, I feel a sense of sadness. It doesn't really feel festive to me coz I am in no mood to celebrate. I am happy that Singapore is safe from terrorist acts & that its recovering from the recession but there's a lot of things that needs attention, in our country. I feel blessed to live in a country that allows me to walk out of my home feeling safe but I also feel that a lot more can be done to build a better home for all of us, Singaporeans. Well, I still look forward to the day when we can all be happy ... I still have a lot of hopes for my country. Maybe I will live to see it, maybe I won't. At least I hope Ryan will get to live in a better Singapore than the one I lived, in my lifetime.

As for the long weekend, we will try to maximise the time of leisure, as we always do. I am trying to spend more time with my hubby & son ... trying to get back to basics. I am trying my best to make life as normal as it was, damn be my broken heart ... life still has to go on, especially for my 2 & a half year old, who is oblivious to the happenings around him. Whatever plans we have, we always try to spend it as a family. I told hubby to go & do some fishing this weekend as I think its a good time for the both of us to have some personal space & to do some soul searching. Though I will be doing that at home with my son (as usual), I think its a small step forward ... for everyone.

I am just trying to do my best ...

I'M STILL HERE ...

Its the 7th of August 2009. Yes, I'm still here ... pottering around, living my daily mundane life as I always do. Whats new? Nothing, really. Whats changed? Plenty ... I guess.

Everyday I wake up with a heavy heart. I dunno why. Every once in a while I feel the hurt & I sense the anger and sadness building up. I feel so many emotions ... I am far from letting it all go. Nearly 2 weeks have passed. Normality is slowly creeping up but all is far from being peachy. Somehow, I feel dark cloudy skies above me, making everything I see, in shades of grey. And my heart ... its far from healed. I feel a dusty covering enveloping it & I can't seem to shake it off. Is this what I am gonna have to deal with .... until I can forgive? Is this gonna be the state of my life?

I find it hard to accept my new reality. I thought my life was pretty good. No, my life is far from perfect but it was as good as it can get. I had a beautiful family, caring extended family, good friends & though we could always use more money, life was bearable & I couldn't ask for more, for fear of being labelled greedy. Last week ... I realised that my so called good life was but a mirage. All is not what it seemed ... I must either have been blind or just gullible ... that someone like me can be oh so lucky. I thought that everything was in its place but I guess its obvious now ... that it wasn't!

What do I do with what I know now?

I can't let go neither can I walk away.

I can't seem to forgive nor can I even try to forget.

I can't live on nor do I want it to end.

How do I move on? How do I let go?

Does time heals? Does time reveal?

The aching in my heart, the bleeding of my soul

The damage of my heart, the crushing of my soul

What do I do now? How should I feel?

Where do I turn? Where shall I go?

So many questions, no real answers

All that I have is me ... but is that ever enough!

I don't know where to go, which road to choose

I don't know anything, am I ready to choose?

I'm trying to move on as best I can

With my heart on my sleeve, I take my breath.

As best I can, I will take on

Whatever it is, I have to move on.

Whatever may come, there's where I'll be

I'll still be here, as ready as can be.

Though life has given me many blows

I take it all & let it flow.

What tomorrow will bring, I will never know

I have to be strong, that much I know ...

Thank you God, for keeping me safe. Thank you God, for keeping me strong.

I will raise on this journey ... for it is Your will

I will keep on fighting ... until You find me

I will keep on surviving ... until You feel ... its time for me to leave.

Seasons change ...

Feelings change ...

People change ...

THE POWER OF WORDS

I do not profess to be very good in the English Language but I can readily admit that I do not find it very hard to express myself ... with words. My educational affirmations have confirmed that I can write well enough to be awarded distinctions. Let's put it this way - I never have a hard time expressing my feelings into words nor do I find it hard to write almost anything. Is it my imagination or do other people find it hard to do the same ... as me?

I have been exposed to some very bad writing ... recently. Its either they are not aware that its (very) bad or they use words that are not appropriate in a certain context. Things like terms of endearment or salutations, judgemental attitudes or accusive assumptions ... there's aplenty but not necessarily used properly. Errm ... is it just me or is it so hard to write what you mean & mean what you write? I know I do! ... but I realise that sometimes when a person is not good in his or her languages ... sometimes the definition & the reasoning goes out the window. Sometimes the meaning gets lost in "translation".

Coupled with an opinionated mind & rather assertive nature, I sometimes seem over-bearing & domineering (which I am). I am faulty to the core. I will not apologise, for that is who I am. I guess over the years, after a lot of heartache & grief, back-stabbing & wretchedness ... I have become the person that I am. We all build a wall when we are constantly being attacked ... me? I built a moat ... around me (& its full of razor sharp crocodiles).

I do not go out of my way to hurt people but if people seem fit to disparage me ... humiliate me, belittle me, hurt me ... I fight back, using words ... coz I am damn good at it. Sometimes the words that come out of my mouth are harsh & difficult to "swallow" but I will only hurt those who hurt me first. I would rather defend than attack. That's my nature ... maybe that's why I always feel I am constantly being attacked by others. I wait around to be attacked & when I do get assaulted ... I burst like an inferno, waiting to burn anything in the way.

Because I value the power of words ... I also know that words can hurt. More than any human act. Some words are so vile that they cut through your heart, they scar you for life. Some words are more painful than having a limb lost. For words can break your heart, for words can hurt your soul. Although I have been hurt very badly recently, by mere words & some very hurtful acts, I have also been guilty of throwing some nasty & noxious words their way. Why do I do that? Because I know that words ... can hurt! I guess because I can ... I do! I am only defending myself ... I tell it as it is!

Love is a funny thing. You would expect the people whom you love & say they love you as much in return, would not turn around to stab you in the heart ... but they sometimes do! Time & again I have been hurt by the people who are dear to me ... I give my heart to them on a platter, hoping that they treasure & love it in return but a lot of times I am disappointed with the miserly "returns".

A lot of times, I feel so cheated! I feel so betrayed!

I have come to realise that sometimes I am no better than the ones that hurt me, most times I am much much worst. That's because I can find words in my vocabulary that far extends them & I search for the words that will hurt them the most, hurt them the deepest. I guess I want them to feel the hurt they have inflicted on me ... by hurting them back, with my "sharp" & nasty words. My intention was to be vile, be "evil" & most times, I do succeed. I am very guilty of that ... but I am not necessarily repentant. Why? Because if you hurt me ... I fight back, in any small way that I can. And if words are my best defence & my ammunition, that is what I will use on my "enemies", my attackers.

I do not pretend to be righteous for ... I am not!

When I meet people who I know struggle with words or whom I know has a poor grasp of the English language, I try not to make them feel out of place. I try to make them feel at ease by speaking in Singlish, which is how I speak in my daily life. I don't go be a pompous ass & speak in the level of English that I am acutely capable off, just to show off or to make people feel small. That's not my nature. I'll rather blend in ... let people think that I'm just a dumb & stupid housewife.

When people look at me, that's what they think. Not only am I not beauty pageant material, I am not interested to be. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. The beauty that I posses is in my heart & my soul ... well, that's what I hope I do. I seem like the typical uneducated housewife & some people are surprised that I am so well read & speak well. Yeah I may not look it but I am actually smarter than people think. I may not have the paper qualifications to show the world but I am far more intelligent than most people give me credit for. I may not know everything ... coz who does? But I am able to stand up for myself ... most times, in the academic or general-knowledge arena. Just don't ask me about Maths or specific Science theories coz they aren't my cup of tea, nor my speciality. But put me in a room full of academics, & I can stand up for myself & not feel small ... I do not possess a lot of confidence in my looks ... but I know that I am far more knowledgeable than the average man on the street. That is something no "enemy" can take away from me!

What is this whole rant about? Errm ... don't really know. Just had to get it out there, that's all. Take what you can & leave the rest behind ...

CLOUDY, HAZY OR CLEAR SKIES ?

The dark & cloudy skies have not cleared ... yet, but I am beginning to see some ray of light over the horizon. Some semblance of sanity has returned. Coherence is slowly returning to my mind but there are many challenges I foresee ahead. The salty showers that rain over my eyes are slowly drying up, but it is in the background ready to overflow anytime. I am holding on ...

I will persevere

I will be resilient

I will prevail

I will sustain ... I will survive!

Whatever may be, I know I have to be strong, I have to be true. I cannot foresee the future nor do I know what God has in store for me but I will keep my head held high as I walk through these treacherous & uncertain times.

The choices I have made ... they shape who I am today. I am neither faultless nor do I profess to be the bearer of perfection. I do not pretend to be righteous nor am I a "saint". I do not pretend to be virtuous nor am I unsullied. None of us are unblemished!

I am just a simple soul trying to find my place in this forsaken world. I am just trying to lead a purposeful life. I am just trying to raise a good child. I am just trying to be a worthy mother. Whether I succeed or fail, it is only for God to judge ...

If it may be that my life is meant to go in an another direction, so be it. This is my destiny. I will have to learn to accept it!

No matter what may come,
I will have to be strong,
I will have to be resilient.
I need to be brave &
I need to be courageous.
I need to be steadfast.

I will not be swayed by others nor will I bend my beliefs for them. If they cannot accept me as I am, then so be it. I have lived enough of my life to know that you can't please everyone ... you can only please yourself ... by doing the best you can. Nothing can take away your right to be true to yourself. Nothing can take away your values, ideals & principles. No one can take away what's important to you. No one can tell you what is black, or white or grey ... you need to decide what colours you want in your life!

I am not here to please anyone nor everyone. Only God knows my heart & only to Him that I will be judged. For those who mock, for those who question, for those who judge ... keep away for I have none the time to care.

I have enough woes to last me a lifetime ...
I seek no sympathy.
I seek no favours.
I seek no empathy.
I will fight my own battles, like I always do!

I have my faith & I have my child ... that is all I need.

Coz nothing else matters!

I FEEL LOST ...

I don't know what to do.

I have lost my faith in love & I don't think that I care anymore. If people choose to hurt me, do I forgive & forget & pray hard that they will not hurt me again? Should I be so grateful that people choose not to hurt me?

I am lucky that I still have faith. Its my faith that keeps me hanging on. I am grateful I still have my son, Ryan. What the future holds for the two of us ... I really don't know. I don't know what I should do, I am so sad that I can feel my heart break. I have so much anger in me that I think I will explode. I am so teary that I can't stop crying. What am I so weak? Why do I let people hurt me? Why am I so blind? Why am I so stupid? Why am I so useless?

People expect me to forgive & let live ... its not so easy, its not so simple. There are so many things happening, so many new revelations that have come to light recently that it has shaken me to my deepest core. I am now a changed person ... because of that. I am no longer the same person.

I am so hurt that no amount of apologies or promises to amend can change it. No amount of regrets & sorries will ever be enough to heal my broken heart. I wish I wasn't so emotional & sentimental but that is who I am. I wish I was more hard-hearted ... I wish I was stronger. The truth is I am weak ... and tears are my best friends now. How I wish I was stronger!

IN CRISIS ...

At the moment ... I am going through some personal crisis. Don't know if I will have the chance to update the blog ... or even if I have the mood to. Knowing me, I probably will ... coz writing has always been an outlet for me to express my feelings.

I just need to sort out my feelings & re-prioritise the things in my life coz a lot of things have changed these couple of weeks. I am only human .... I have feelings too. Life may be tough but I always hung in there ... now, it seems like some things are not worth hanging on for. To those who know what I am going through, I thank you for listening to my woes, my nonsense, my non-stop talk ... I do appreciate it coz talking about things always makes me feel better. I appreciate your support for I am so lost now, some words of comfort is always appreciated.

I don't know what I will decide but I will make a decision ... soon, I hope. Life has to go on ... for Ryan's sake, I am willing to do almost anything.

For Ryan, I will hold on ....

FEELING SAD ...

There are times in your life that you have to forgive & forget. There are times in your life, you just need to overlook stuff, & life has to be like normal again. I am at that stage in my life right now ... I have some knowledge that someone very dear to me have been doing some rather hurtful things behind my back ... & I can't seem to over-look it .... I can't pretend that everything's peachy. I am not that kind of person ... who is good at pretending, "acting" ... when I am feeling sad I dun hide it, when I am upset I dun hide it, when I'm hurt I dun hide it.

I don't pretend to be perfect because I am not. I am full of imperfections & I have a lot of faults. I am no beauty nor do I bother to be vain, as its not the top of my priority. All that matters to me in life ... is my family. Is is so simplistic of me? To just want a happy family life? Is it too much to ask?

What should I do? What is it that I need to do ... in order for me to get pass this? Is it even worth it??? Why should I torture myself so much ... when its others who hurt me? Am I so unlovable that the people I love ... constantly hurt me? Why am I so useless? What is it about me that gives people the right to bully & hurt me? WHAT ??? Please tell me ... coz I am sick & tired of being hurt by people, who say they care, they love, they treasure me ... but do so many things to break my heart.

People judge me & say that I'm rigid ... but is it wrong to ask for some respect?

Is is so much to ask for some self-respect?

Is it so much to ask form the people you love & care about ... not to hurt your feelings?

Is is so much to expect the ones you love ... not to break your heart?

Is it so much to expect people not to betray your trust?

Maybe I am asking for too much!

Who am I ... to ask to be loved, cared, treasured, respected .... I'm just a nobody.

Maybe that's why I don't deserve anything ... not even some miserable happiness!

SUSHI ANYONE ?

I was rather reluctant to pose these pics because I didn't want to give the impression that we do this all the time. Do what, you ask? Going & dining in restaurants. I have posted many a times that we are always on a tight budget & we don't really eat in restaurants. We used to ... but not anymore. Before Ryan was conceived/born, we used to be rather spendthrift & occasionally splurge on meals in restaurants, every so often. Now ... that's all history!

With a kid & one very-limited income, it's virtually impossible for us to be sooo "carefree" with our money. Besides, we aren't rich & we are always tight with finances. So its a rare occasion when we go eat something a bit nice. Even when we do go & eat something better than our usual foodcourt-coffeeshop fare, I watch what we order like a hawk, coz we have to watch our very limited budget.

Recently, we had a simple dinner at Hei Sushi (I think they are under the Sakae Sushi Group) in Sembawang Shopping Centre. They are one of the very few Halal certified Japanese Restaurant in Singapore. Though we've had halal Japanese food in KL & that eatery at Far East Plaza (is it Ramen Ten? can't really recall its name), this is probably the only halal place that serves sushi conveyor style.

To tell you the truth, the food wasn't that fantastic, though it wasn't bad either ... but Ryan & Hubby always enjoy their salmon. So we did order a small portion of salmon & some bits of sushi to try out. Altogether, we spent less than $ 30 but again I kinda feel that we sorta "overpaid" coz it didn't feel like a meal that cost that much (you get what I mean?). Is it just me or are all restaurant standards way down these days? Sure we haven't been to many restaurants these couple of years, but the few mid-priced restaurants that we've been to ... have been quite a disappointment, to say the least.

Sometimes, I feel eating in foodcourts are better deals, as at least when you pay four dollars for a meal, you eat four dollars worth of meat (which is very important coz I'm a meat-eater)-rice-noodles, etc. Unlike restaurants, what you pay for is not equivalent to the taste, you have to pay for the usually-bad-or-barely-acceptable service (charge of 10%) & there's even the stupid GST. Errmm ... & what are we eating anyway? Mostly cardboard tasting food that disappoint on almost all levels. I bet it must just be me coz I see people going to restaurants in droves.

Recession? What recession? Have you seen the queues outside some restaurants or boutiques? I think its either they are suckers for expensive food & stuff or they are damn loaded & can't be bothered with the current recession. No, no I'm not being sore ... just wondering what the big deal is all about. I've been "short-changed" so many times at restaurants that I wonder why I even bother to eat there in the first place. Maybe ... I'm the sucker ... haha!

I made a impromptu kiddy chopstick (I picked that up from one of the blogs, using a rubber band) for Ryan, as he was pestering me, by playing with my chopsticks.

The limited stuff that we ordered (not because there was a limited menu) but due to keeping to our budget. Notice that everything we ordered was cooked, not raw ... haha!

Aw! Don't they look cute?

I think the next time I am "stupid" enough to wanna waste my money on yet another under-performing restaurant, I really better think twice. Sometimes I wonder is it my high standards that qualify these eateries as "failures". I mean if they are that bad, how can they survive ... especially during the recession?

Maybe its really just me ... you be your own judge!

Maybe my standards ARE VERY HIGH ... when you consider that I was brought up by a mum who is one of the best cooks (I have ever known) & that she always believes home-cooked meals are always the best-EST. Maybe I should be like my talented mum & learn to cook better. Like she always says, "If you want to eat something delicious, learn to cook it yourself". That way, you can control what goes into your food, you can up the level for cleanliness & hygiene in food preparation & you can puts in lots of ingredients/spices/meat ... which she says is the key to cooking good food - "You cannot stinge on the ingredients!".

As for me, I've always loved eating ... food, in all shapes & sizes. I sometimes wish I was a better cook, or have the patience to learn all the intricate steps & spices that goes into the especially traditional Malay recipes of yesteryears. I am actually keen to learn more, if my mum has the time (& patience) to teach me. How I wish cooking Malay food was easy, its entails so many steps (& hours) & ingredients that it will make your head spin! I guess that's why when eating at Malay stalls serving the variety of dishes, its wise to know that a plate of mostly meat choices will easily set you back at least, 5 or six dollars, per serving.

I can tell you that cooking Malay food is such hard work! - just by looking at how my mum cooks.That's why I never learnt to cook Malay food-style, I choose the easy way out. I tend to cook mostly stews, stir-fries Chinese style & I boil soups, which is my Hubby's favourite (coz he grew up drinking soup at every meal). I am happy to note that Ryan has followed his Daddy's genes & he loves his soups too. I'm glad my two boys appreciate the long hours I take to boil these soups. They may be simple & home-made ... but they were made with love.

Hhhmm, just need to brush up on my repertoire ... I need to expand my recipes & be more adventurous.

JUST FEEL LIKE TALKING ...

Its midnight as I start writing this but I'm not sleepy yet ... haha, so whats new? The last couple of weeks, I have been rather emotional & muddled - deep in thought. I look at my miserable state-of-life & realise that I have not achieved much, in my entire existence. I have been out of the workforce for so long that I can't fathom going back to work, for I would be at a real loss. But recent developments in my life has shown that I might just have to do that ... soon.

I was quite independent in my teenage years but all that changed when I met someone & fell in love. Love has a hold on you like no other. It made me clingy & possessive. I didn't even like myself then. That love episode did not last (as expected) but it changed my perception & my outlook on life. I learnt to be more independent & carefree. I learnt that love ain't everything that its cracked up to be.There are many regrets I have in life but I have lived my life as best I can. There ain't many things that I can be proud of, there ain't many things that I've achieved in life, there ain't much of anything, at all.

I've lived my life as a simple person, living as simply as I can. My ambitious streak was wiped out when I got married coz I always felt that being a good wife is to stay & keep a good home. I brushed aside my aspirations to be this or that ... all I wanted was to raise a family. How cruel life can be .... the family I yearned didn't materialise until about a decade later, when my son was born. Now my life is lived ... for my son because I have no other aim in life. Does that sound noble to you? It doesn't to me. It just sounds pathetic. Don't get me wrong ... I love my son to death but I I kinda feel that there's something missing in my life. What is it ... I really don't know? I thought having a child was the answer to my loneliness, my emptiness ... it wasn't. Though Ryan gives me much joy, love & happiness, I can't help but think that my life is still aimless. He gives me hope, he gives me something to look forward to, he gives me the strength to carry on, he gives me that little bit extra ... just to hold on. I know without Ryan, my life would have been meaningless. At least with him, I knew I was put on this Earth, to give life to him. What else am I here for ... I really don't know?

Sometimes in life, you put in so much hope on a person but a lot of times it backfires. I have come to realise that in life, you can never trust anyone ... ever! The only person you can trust is yourself. You can't trust anyone with your heart, your love, your life ... you can only trust yourself. In life, love can cloud your judgement, love can make you dizzy, love can hypnotise you, love can make you do silly mistakes, love can make you so stupid. I think it is never wise to totally trust anyone a 100 % because every human being is able to hurt another person. Trust is funny thing, its intangible but it is so priceless, once its gone, its gone forever!

Most of the time I am an open book. When I care, I show it, when I'm sad, I show it, when I am disheartened, I show it. I try not to wallow in self pity & I try to pick myself up when I am down. I try to psyche myself up when I need a pep talk. I chide myself when I know I've done wrong. I own up to my mistakes & vow never to repeat them. Although I am a cynical person I choose to believe in love & devotion because that's all I know. I believe when you love someone you love them with all your heart & soul, never doubting, never second-guessing. I guess love clouded my judgement, love made me forget my number 1 rule (made years ago, when my heart was broken by the first love) - Trust no one! I don't understand how I could I have forgotten that mantra. It was a rule I stood by because I have been heart-broken, back-stabbed by so many people I have come to love & called friends that I have lost count. People around me seemed to always hurt me, loyalty be dammed! I knew I lost my way when I choose to trust whole-heartedly once again. Now I know that I been lost & misguided, for I am now reminded that again, you can never trust anyone, with all your heart because people can change on the outside but they can also change on the inside. There are times when you think that you know a person so well that you can "predict" their next move, but when you find out much later that a person can do things out of character & hide stuff, you know then that all is not as it seems.

Why am I talking in riddles? Why am I talking in circles? Because I am ... just so tired. Life has been tough these couple of years but its made bearable, when I think of Ryan. I try so hard to hold on, just for him ... & no one else. Life is so meaningless to me, at times. I don't really know why I'm here or why I'm still around. There are times when I wonder if Ryan deserves a better mother coz I know he deserves so much better. Maybe God gave Ryan to me coz He knew I needed him ... more than he needed me.

When Ryan grows up & reads this, I want him to know that he was always wanted. Even if he was born "un-perfect" as the doctors predicted, I would have still loved him, with all my heart & soul. Even if its just left with just the two of us, we will still make it. Even if all hope is gone, I will still fight on ... for him. I know that when God gave Ryan to me, he was more than just another baby, he was God's greatest gift ... to me! I think I badly needed someone to love me for who I am, with all my imperfections. I needed someone who would love me unconditionally. I needed someone who would love me for who I am, not for what I can give. Ryan, is the only person who can love me, for all that I am!

Having been through so much these couple of years, you might think that I am "hardened".

No ... in fact .. I am even more jaded,
more cynical,
more negative,
more pessimistic,
more delusioned.

I have come to realise that life doesn't do you any favours.
I have come to realise that not everyone is kind or generous.
I have come to realise that when you're down in the dumps, no one wants to be your friend.
I have come to realise that a lot of times you don't really know someone.
I have come to realise that buckets of tears don't make your problems go away.

I have come to realise that I can't put my life in someone else's hands.
I have come to realise that I can only depend on myself.
I have come to realise that I have to put myself first, not everyone else.
I have come to realise that I have to stand on my own two feet.
I have come to realise that if things go wrong, I have no one to blame but myself.

I have come to realise that I can't leave my fate in someone else's clutches.
I have come to realise that I can't trust anybody.
I have come to realise that I can't trust love nor friendship.
I have come to realise that I have to save myself, for no one else can.
I have come to realise that I have to believe in myself.
I have come to realise that I need to be strong, for my own sake.


I have come to realise that I love too much, I care too much, I trust too much ...

Now, I need to change that ...

BACK-DATED POST (JACOB BALLAS)

I heard a lot about the Jacob Ballas Children's Park but never knew how to get there. It seemed so damn elusive! We first tried to get there when we visited the Singapore Botanic Garden's from the main entrance. Duh! the park was at the other end & it would have taken us ages to get there (not interested in doing that!). So that mission was cancelled. Second time, we tried going by the Bukit Timah way, near IE (Institute of Education) coz I read in some of the blogs that it was somewhere there. Ermm ... we couldn't find the entrance coz the only way in was through a car-park barrier (only one way in). So the park couldn't possibly be inside IE right?? Errmm .. yes it was! That's what we found out when we finally got there on our third try. I told hubby to go through the car park barrier coz my instincts told me so. I reasoned that if the park wasn't there at the most we just pay for the minutes of parking or it might even be free of charge because of the grace period. Alas, we finally found (Mr) Jacob Ballas!!!
The funny thing is this park has an odd criteria. Only children under 12 (I think) could enter the park, but they can be accompanied by adults. Adults who wish to see the park (without the requisite kids) need to make some arrangement (at the counter, I think). So any adult who wanna see the park ... go "borrow" someone's kids, if you don't have any!

To tell you the truth, the park was a bit of a let down really. First of all, there is the parking charge (I sorta assumed all public parks parking was free ... not!). Then it was the size, the park was much smaller than I expected. Thirdly, I had this impression that the park was some fantastic area for the kids to play & explore ... it wasn't! (in my view anyway). Ok, it did have a "miserable" water feature (looked like it needed some scrubbing & maintenance) that you have to constantly press (the sensor of sorts) to let the water "sprout". Ok, maybe the kids might enjoy doing that but I just found it rather irritating & unnecessary. There was also a rather small playground, some educational plant thingies, a man-made waterfall & a (only good) suspension bridge. That's about it, even if there were more, I didn't see a real need to explore further coz I felt very let down by the place. Oh, they have short vising hours too!

Maybe I was expecting too much or I let myself think that this place was gonna be sooo fantastic. Not that there isn't stuff to see or do ... its just that we took such a long time to find this place, I was rather disappointed by its "grandeur" (or lack of it), when we finally found it. A lot of people on the blogs & the kids magazines also made the place seem more interesting than it really is. Well, maybe its just me .... but I assure you there are better places in Singapore, for kids to play in.

Surprisingly, Ryan seemed to enjoy himself quite a bit (u know kids, any form of play will excite them to bits!) but Mummy really don't see what the big deal was. I guess what can you expect from a place that cost nothing (free) .. not much I guess! I think the Marina Barrage was actually more fun! Which makes me think ... hhmm, maybe we should pay the barrage a visit again, very soon.

Anyway, here are the photos. I doubt we will be there again ... but then you never know, anything for Ryan!

Ryan liked feeling the water on his toes.

Mama, where did the water go? Did it stop again?

Getting some water from the pump, with Daddy.

On tip toes.

Daddy was smiling happily!

Trying to convince Ryan that it was safe to cross the bridge.

Tiny, wobbly steps!

Hanging on for dear life!

Trying to look cool & collected!

Tried to upload the vid I took of Ryan playing with the water but 3 hours on ... the vid still didn't finish uploading. Arrgh! I thought Blogger is geting better at this. Sigh ... maybe its because the video is longer than the ones I uploaded in the previous posts. Seem like "gambling" / tikam-tikam you know, sometimes you win, sometimes it "hangs" ... haha! Well, what can you do ... just trying to live within the limitations of my life!