THE POWER OF WORDS

I do not profess to be very good in the English Language but I can readily admit that I do not find it very hard to express myself ... with words. My educational affirmations have confirmed that I can write well enough to be awarded distinctions. Let's put it this way - I never have a hard time expressing my feelings into words nor do I find it hard to write almost anything. Is it my imagination or do other people find it hard to do the same ... as me?

I have been exposed to some very bad writing ... recently. Its either they are not aware that its (very) bad or they use words that are not appropriate in a certain context. Things like terms of endearment or salutations, judgemental attitudes or accusive assumptions ... there's aplenty but not necessarily used properly. Errm ... is it just me or is it so hard to write what you mean & mean what you write? I know I do! ... but I realise that sometimes when a person is not good in his or her languages ... sometimes the definition & the reasoning goes out the window. Sometimes the meaning gets lost in "translation".

Coupled with an opinionated mind & rather assertive nature, I sometimes seem over-bearing & domineering (which I am). I am faulty to the core. I will not apologise, for that is who I am. I guess over the years, after a lot of heartache & grief, back-stabbing & wretchedness ... I have become the person that I am. We all build a wall when we are constantly being attacked ... me? I built a moat ... around me (& its full of razor sharp crocodiles).

I do not go out of my way to hurt people but if people seem fit to disparage me ... humiliate me, belittle me, hurt me ... I fight back, using words ... coz I am damn good at it. Sometimes the words that come out of my mouth are harsh & difficult to "swallow" but I will only hurt those who hurt me first. I would rather defend than attack. That's my nature ... maybe that's why I always feel I am constantly being attacked by others. I wait around to be attacked & when I do get assaulted ... I burst like an inferno, waiting to burn anything in the way.

Because I value the power of words ... I also know that words can hurt. More than any human act. Some words are so vile that they cut through your heart, they scar you for life. Some words are more painful than having a limb lost. For words can break your heart, for words can hurt your soul. Although I have been hurt very badly recently, by mere words & some very hurtful acts, I have also been guilty of throwing some nasty & noxious words their way. Why do I do that? Because I know that words ... can hurt! I guess because I can ... I do! I am only defending myself ... I tell it as it is!

Love is a funny thing. You would expect the people whom you love & say they love you as much in return, would not turn around to stab you in the heart ... but they sometimes do! Time & again I have been hurt by the people who are dear to me ... I give my heart to them on a platter, hoping that they treasure & love it in return but a lot of times I am disappointed with the miserly "returns".

A lot of times, I feel so cheated! I feel so betrayed!

I have come to realise that sometimes I am no better than the ones that hurt me, most times I am much much worst. That's because I can find words in my vocabulary that far extends them & I search for the words that will hurt them the most, hurt them the deepest. I guess I want them to feel the hurt they have inflicted on me ... by hurting them back, with my "sharp" & nasty words. My intention was to be vile, be "evil" & most times, I do succeed. I am very guilty of that ... but I am not necessarily repentant. Why? Because if you hurt me ... I fight back, in any small way that I can. And if words are my best defence & my ammunition, that is what I will use on my "enemies", my attackers.

I do not pretend to be righteous for ... I am not!

When I meet people who I know struggle with words or whom I know has a poor grasp of the English language, I try not to make them feel out of place. I try to make them feel at ease by speaking in Singlish, which is how I speak in my daily life. I don't go be a pompous ass & speak in the level of English that I am acutely capable off, just to show off or to make people feel small. That's not my nature. I'll rather blend in ... let people think that I'm just a dumb & stupid housewife.

When people look at me, that's what they think. Not only am I not beauty pageant material, I am not interested to be. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. The beauty that I posses is in my heart & my soul ... well, that's what I hope I do. I seem like the typical uneducated housewife & some people are surprised that I am so well read & speak well. Yeah I may not look it but I am actually smarter than people think. I may not have the paper qualifications to show the world but I am far more intelligent than most people give me credit for. I may not know everything ... coz who does? But I am able to stand up for myself ... most times, in the academic or general-knowledge arena. Just don't ask me about Maths or specific Science theories coz they aren't my cup of tea, nor my speciality. But put me in a room full of academics, & I can stand up for myself & not feel small ... I do not possess a lot of confidence in my looks ... but I know that I am far more knowledgeable than the average man on the street. That is something no "enemy" can take away from me!

What is this whole rant about? Errm ... don't really know. Just had to get it out there, that's all. Take what you can & leave the rest behind ...