CLOUDY, HAZY OR CLEAR SKIES ?

The dark & cloudy skies have not cleared ... yet, but I am beginning to see some ray of light over the horizon. Some semblance of sanity has returned. Coherence is slowly returning to my mind but there are many challenges I foresee ahead. The salty showers that rain over my eyes are slowly drying up, but it is in the background ready to overflow anytime. I am holding on ...

I will persevere

I will be resilient

I will prevail

I will sustain ... I will survive!

Whatever may be, I know I have to be strong, I have to be true. I cannot foresee the future nor do I know what God has in store for me but I will keep my head held high as I walk through these treacherous & uncertain times.

The choices I have made ... they shape who I am today. I am neither faultless nor do I profess to be the bearer of perfection. I do not pretend to be righteous nor am I a "saint". I do not pretend to be virtuous nor am I unsullied. None of us are unblemished!

I am just a simple soul trying to find my place in this forsaken world. I am just trying to lead a purposeful life. I am just trying to raise a good child. I am just trying to be a worthy mother. Whether I succeed or fail, it is only for God to judge ...

If it may be that my life is meant to go in an another direction, so be it. This is my destiny. I will have to learn to accept it!

No matter what may come,
I will have to be strong,
I will have to be resilient.
I need to be brave &
I need to be courageous.
I need to be steadfast.

I will not be swayed by others nor will I bend my beliefs for them. If they cannot accept me as I am, then so be it. I have lived enough of my life to know that you can't please everyone ... you can only please yourself ... by doing the best you can. Nothing can take away your right to be true to yourself. Nothing can take away your values, ideals & principles. No one can take away what's important to you. No one can tell you what is black, or white or grey ... you need to decide what colours you want in your life!

I am not here to please anyone nor everyone. Only God knows my heart & only to Him that I will be judged. For those who mock, for those who question, for those who judge ... keep away for I have none the time to care.

I have enough woes to last me a lifetime ...
I seek no sympathy.
I seek no favours.
I seek no empathy.
I will fight my own battles, like I always do!

I have my faith & I have my child ... that is all I need.

Coz nothing else matters!

GOD PLEASE HEAR ME ....

This is my open letter to God ... I hope He can hear me ...

Ya Allah,
Adakah ini suatu rintangan yang patut aku lalui?
Adakah ini suatu cubaan yang Kamu titiskan untuk ku?
Adakah ini satu cabaran untuk aku pelajari?
Adakah ini semua tauladan untuk ku?
Adakah ini satu dugaan untuk direnangi
Adakah ini semua suatu pelajaran dari Mu?

Aku tahu aku patut terima kesemua ini ... aku tahu semua ini telah ditakdirkan.
Patutkah aku mengaku kalah?
Patutkah aku terima nasib ku?
Patutkah aku berjuang sendiri?
Patutkah aku memaafi?

Aku hanyalah seorang insan yang lemah ...
Aku hanyalah seorang yang tiada kekuatan
Aku tak mempuyai kegigihan yang aku ingini
Aku hanyalah satu manusia yang tak berguna.

Tiada siapa yang memahami
Tiada siapa yang menyokongi
Tiada siapa yang memegang ku ... jikalau aku jatuh
Tidaa siapa yang memeluk ku ... jikalau aku sedih
Aku rasa sungguh kesepian
Aku rasa sungguh kesunyian
Aku rasa semuanya ...

Kini aku mesti mempersoalkan ...
Dimanakah tujuan ku sekarang ...
Kehala mana destinasi ku
Kehadapan atau ke perhentian.

Aku tahu Kamu mendengar
Aku tahu Kamu sayangkan Daku
Aku tahu aku patut kukuhkan iman ku
Aku tahu aku harus berpegang tegas
Aku tahu aku tak ada pilihan yang lain
Aku tahu aku mesti kuat
Aku tahu apa yang diajukan

Aku harap Kamu akan pertunjukkan jalan yang patut aku pilih
Kerana aku sesat dan keseorangan ...
Tolonglah perkuatkan iman ku, kerana aku rasa aku akan jatuh ....
Tolonglah aku kerana aku sudah kesesatan
Tolonglah aku ...
Seorang insan yang perlukan Mu.