RYAN'S BABY STORY CONTINUES ...

These were taken on the fourth day. It seemed like Ryan's condition had to get worse before it got better. He got hooked up to more drips & wires. He peeled more and he hardly opened his eyes. This wasn't the homecoming that I had envisioned. I was gonna be discharged the next day & I had to leave my poor baby ... all alone in the hospital. I felt numb & empty, all I did was cry in private. I was devastated that I couldn't bring my baby home. We had guests come over to visit our newborn - family & friends. I was happy that so many came but I had to hide the fact that I was always teary, I was in pain (from the stitches), all I wanted to do was go home & bring my baby with me. I don't think anyone suspected that I was feeling the "baby blues", I was feeling kinda down & my spirit was low but I had to smile & act "happy" coz I just HAD a baby. In all honesty, I just wanted to curl up & cry. I don't think anyone understood.

Although hubby was a real trooper, even he couldn't help me overcome the darkness. I felt rather lonely ... eventhough I had the company of hubby, family & friends. I did not help that hubby's boss wanted him to go back to work immediately. That's because we didn't plan on getting our newborn hospitalised for 11 bloody days, that's why! His stupid idiotic boss wanted him back in the office, whilst his wife was still in hospital recovering from a major abdominal surgery & his newborn son still warded for medical reasons. What a bloody "understanding" boss, so damn compassionate - NOT !!!

When we were leaving the hospital, the couple that also had the emergency c-section at about the same time as me took the same lift with us. They had their baby with them, they smiled at hubby (both husbands were waiting for their wives in surgery, together in the waiting area). They noticed that we didn't have our baby with us. I smiled back at them, weakly ... I think they didn't dare to ask us anything. I felt so miserable. I think I was on the brink of depression but I didn't know it then ...

This is the photo that literally breaks my heart. I don't think I need to say much. You be the judge, if you were his mother ... how would you feel? Can you feel my pain?... I rest my case!

I put this photo here, especially to remind myself ... how far we've come - Ryan, Steven & me. Ryan is now a gregarious, bubbly, happy boy who is so cheerful & chirpy, you would never had guessed that he was the same child, in the previous photo. Two & a half years made such a world of difference!

I am so happy to have him in my life. I am so grateful that he's healthy & here with us. I thank God for His blessings!

RYAN'S BABY STORY CONTINUES ...

Tis was Ryan's 2nd day of life. I managed to "peel" myself off the hospital bed. Hubby wheeled me up to see my son for the first time. I was still in my hospital maternity attire. By this time, Ryan had a drip on his hand too. Holding him for the first time, I felt strangely odd. This was my son, the baby that I have yearned for so long. Now that he's finally here ... why wasn't I jumping for joy? Coz I didn't expect to be cut up, coz I didn't expect my son to be warded. Silly me ... I thought that I would have a normal, safe, "natural" delivery & would be able to bring my baby home after 2 days. That wasn't going to be my story!

Ryan looks rather yellow here because he suffered from a bad case of jaundice. He had photo-light therapy to get rid of the jaundice. I wondered if the heat (from the intense light) was what caused his skin to peel like hell. I couldn't tell as I didn't really notice his skin on the first day that he was born. Hubby didn't either. I had to rely on hubby's account for he was the only one who got close enough to Ryan. He was peeling literally, it wasn't like sunburn, it was much much worse. I was shocked when I saw him. He was so tiny, wrinkly, skinny, & he had so many drips & wires on him. I wanted to sob so badly but I tried to hold my tears for later. It was really hard for me to see him ... like that!

A LITTLE BIT OF HISTORY ... RYAN'S STORY SO FAR

When I first started this blog, about a year ago, I had already begun on my humble journey of being Ryan's mum. First & foremost, that's what I identify myself with, these days ... being the mother of my only son. Sure the blog contains remnants of my otherwise simple (mostly boring) and absolutely mundane life but its mainly ALL about Ryan. Ryan has given meaning to my life, that no one probably understands (even I never understood how empty or aimless my life felt) ... until he came into my life. To say that life would be meaningless without him, would be an understatement! I will not be the first mother, nor will I be the last mum to say, I would give up my life for my child.

I went through some old baby pictures of Ryan recently and decided to put them up. I never blogged much about his early months and years because there were just too many photos and stories to tell. But I decided that some of these stories and pics are too precious to be to be kept hidden in my heart. They are stories that needed to be told ... for Ryan's memories.

As I conversed recently with my friend, Jess ... I write this blog primarily for Ryan - it is my gift to him. For when I am long gone, Ryan can still take heart that his mummy loved him ever so dearly & hopes he can remember how he touched her life, gave her hope, renewed her outlook, brightened her days, when cloudy skies abound. That he was my ray of light, my angel, and probably the only reason why I was put on this wretched Earth - to bear him, to love him, to cherish him, to treasure him ... and to be able to call him, my beloved son.

Ryan, my baby... this is for you!

P.S : I am starting a new section on Ryan's baby days ... this is the first entry.

Steven took this picture (the first photo taken of Ryan), after he was born in The Singapore General Hospital. Ryan was immediately warded to the Special Care Nursery due to some medical issues. As I had an emergency C-section, I was confined to bed rest. So it was up to hubby to troop up & down the floors (by lifts, of course) to visit his firstborn son. As this unit, serves mostly newborn babies that might need medical intervention, only their parents are allowed to visit. No other family members are allowed to enter. Before handling their babies, every parent had to wear a disposable "apron" that's provided & encouraged to wash their hands too, so as to minimise exposing the vulnerable babies to germs, etc.

Ryan had a drip attached to one of his legs, as you can see from the photo. The drip is the first of many that my poor boy had to endure during his stay there.

Ryan had a full head of hair & it had curls. That kinda tickles me coz hubby's hair is ram-rod straight & mine is only rather wavy. Hhmm ... must be the Malay genes on my side of the family. Funnily, after, we shaved his head when he was about 4 months old, he grew a head of straight hair. Wonder of wonders!

When Ryan was born, immediately after they cleaned him up, the nurse came over to show him to me - "ok ah, its a boy" whilst repeatedly showing my boy's small manhood above my vision (as I was still on the operating table). I saw that his eyes were open. He looked so cute. I did heave a sigh of relief, as I saw his eyes because Ryan was a healthy child. As some may not know, my gynae had given me a sombre prognosis that my firstborn son had a extremely high probability of being afflicted by Down's Syndrome. As this was discovered around the 1st trimester, we were of course offered the choice of an abortion or an amnio, if we were to choose to carry on with the pregnancy. Obviously, we rejected the first choice & decided to not go ahead with amnio as it carried a 1 to 2 percent chance of a miscarriage. There were many a times that I cried myself to sleep thinking of my baby and wondering if I made the right choice. I think I was in denial & repeatedly told myself (rather obsessively) that God would not have given Ryan to me if he wasn't gonna be healthy. I think I was just trying to lie to myself.

I am not a religious person (at all) but I prayed EVERY night ... asking, no ... pleading with God, to please help me save my baby. For him to be healthy. That was all I had asked for. God heard, listened and answered my prayers!

It really breaks my heart to see some of Ryan's early baby pictures. Everytime I see them, I feel like crying. I can't help it. It reminds me so much of the anguish & pain we went through then. We as parents, can make the best of plans for our children, before they are born but at the end of the day everything is in the hands of God. All the birth plans that I made were tossed aside coz everything did go wrong - from the emergency c-sec to my baby staying in hospital for 11 days. It was a roller coaster ride that I did not consent, nor expected. All I can say is that I never want to go through such an agonising time in my life, ever again!

I am just glad that Ryan is now a healthy, bouncy boy ... who is world's apart from that little baby that was born a mere 2.18 kg that fateful day in 2007.