MY SON IS TURNING 3 ... NEXT MONTH!

Yes, in about a month's time, my little boy will be turning 3! Wow! How time flies! It was not long ago that I gave birth to that tiny bundle. Okay, so he was cut from my stomach ... but who wants to argue with me, on that!

Ryan, being Ryan ... was an unexpected Gift from God, as he was definitely unplanned. We waited for a child for the longest time ... so we definitely, did not see him coming. He came in our 9th year of marriage ... a long time for most married couples. Eventhough he was conceived naturally, Ryan did not want to come into this world without some "excitement" & fanfare - he was a "drama" prince, even when he was born. Not only did he gave me an emergency C-sect ... (no, no not blaming him ... just stating a fact ya!), he "wanted" to stay in hospital, for the next 11 days of his new life. Not being able to bring my baby back home with me (from my hospital stay) ... was one of the saddest thing in my life, then (guess I was having some post-natal blues). Most Mummies get to bring their baby home with them, when they leave ... nope, I wasn't one of them.

Today, almost 35 months have passed (that's nearly three years) ... yep, just one more month to go, before Ryan reaches a monumental, 3 years of age. As I look forward to having a mini celebration for Ryan (with my extended family), I am both happy & full of emotions ... when I look back on three years worth of memories ... all in photographs. When I look at them pictures, I am filled with much happiness ... for I am really thrilled that I managed to get a lot of Ryan's early growing up years, in print. I never regretted being the trigger-happy Mama coz how else am I gonna get gems of my little boy growing up.

Looking at the many photos, I can also see how both me & Hubby have grown to be parents, when for many years we had gotten used to just the two of us. Changing our lives & growing into better people (I hope), Ryan's birth & presence has turned us into better human beings. We are still learning, we are still trying, we are still experimenting ... & yet we have learnt so much & there is still much to learn!

I knew Hubby would make a wonderful Father ... & I was right! From the first day that his son was born, Steven has been a very hands-on Daddy. Sometimes he seems to revel in doing the most mundane thing for his boy. He enjoys changing his son (yep, he does poopy diapers too), giving Ryan a shower, washing the car (with sonny boy in tow) ... or even simple things like bringing his boy for a round-about trip on a bus ... just because! (Ryan just loves bus rides). I can see that he loves his son too .... very very much. I think we always tend to forget the Daddies in the rearing of the children. A lot of fathers think that being a good father is bringing home the (big) bacon. Nope, I beg to differ! Being a good father is spending precious quality time with your child ..... doing the most mundane thing. I can see that Hubby is becoming a better father each day. It touches my heart ... always!

Ryan has given me so much to be thankful for ... because of him, I was able to become a Mother. Although, we would have loved to have a second child with us, I guess God knew what's best for us, as a family. There are times that I wished for a playmate & sibling for my boy but there are times that I feel that we shouldn't tempt Fate. God has blessed us with one healthy child ... we are eternally grateful & blessed.

Mummy & Papa, love you Ryan! Hope you will enjoy your small birthday party next month. Eventhough we can't throw you a huge celebration, we hope you will have fond memories of your 3rd birthday when you are older. *Kiss Kiss!*

I wanted to put up some pics of Ryan on the monumental years of his life. Here it goes ...

His newborn photo (still in the hospital). See the sharp nose & rose-bud red lips. Well, the sharpness is gone (I guess courtesy of Mummmy's genes & flat nose, arrgh! should have had Daddy's sharper nose). His lips are still pink but no longer red ... oh well! He's still as cute as a button!

On the morning that he turned 1! So cute rite?! Ryan is one of the happiest child I have ever met. He's always happy & smiling.

Looking cute!

On the day that he turned 2! I took him for a train ride to the mall. He loved it!

Having his favourite Egg Prata. Yummy! See how Ryan's grown ... now he can feed himself, no need for Mummy to help (ya, rite ... as if! Mummy still feeds him ok!)

Oh Barney! How I love thee!

Oooooh! Mummy let me sit on a super big bike. Sweeeeet! It must be because its my birthday!

(These following pics were also taken in 2009). Another of his favourite bike ride. Acting cheeky, as usual.

Giving me one of my model-like pose (acting cool & not smiling), I seem to get a few of these poses lately ....

(This was taken in late November 09, whilst kite-flying). See how my boy has grown ... he plays with his own kite now (with a LOT of help from Daddy, no less).

When I look at these photos, I can't help but feel ... how my boy has grown over the years. From a helpless little thing, all wrapped up in a blanket ... to a gregarious toddler that has boundless energy. And although Ryan drives me up the wall, sometimes ... with his many antics, its his "nonsense" that makes me love him even more. There's no one like my Ryan & though he tests my patience (many times in a day), although he "grates" on my nerves, although he makes me angry (a lot of times) ... I love him, more than anything in the world.

I finally know what a Mother's love feel like. I am a Mummy now ... & although I have a lot to learn, I am trying to learn from my mistakes ... every single day. Although I am not the best Mummy, I will always, always, always ... do my best for Ryan. I love him ... more & more each day. He gives me so much joy & happiness, I have a lot to be thankful for. Even if I die tomorrow, I would die contented ... for I've finally known (& felt) a child's love for his Mother. And although I would miss Ryan (oh so much) if I die ... I feel blessed to have given birth to him & having had the time to be his Mum. Does that make sense to you? Haha .... I'm being nonsensical, I guess!

RYAN'S BABY STORY CONTINUES ...

These were taken on the fourth day. It seemed like Ryan's condition had to get worse before it got better. He got hooked up to more drips & wires. He peeled more and he hardly opened his eyes. This wasn't the homecoming that I had envisioned. I was gonna be discharged the next day & I had to leave my poor baby ... all alone in the hospital. I felt numb & empty, all I did was cry in private. I was devastated that I couldn't bring my baby home. We had guests come over to visit our newborn - family & friends. I was happy that so many came but I had to hide the fact that I was always teary, I was in pain (from the stitches), all I wanted to do was go home & bring my baby with me. I don't think anyone suspected that I was feeling the "baby blues", I was feeling kinda down & my spirit was low but I had to smile & act "happy" coz I just HAD a baby. In all honesty, I just wanted to curl up & cry. I don't think anyone understood.

Although hubby was a real trooper, even he couldn't help me overcome the darkness. I felt rather lonely ... eventhough I had the company of hubby, family & friends. I did not help that hubby's boss wanted him to go back to work immediately. That's because we didn't plan on getting our newborn hospitalised for 11 bloody days, that's why! His stupid idiotic boss wanted him back in the office, whilst his wife was still in hospital recovering from a major abdominal surgery & his newborn son still warded for medical reasons. What a bloody "understanding" boss, so damn compassionate - NOT !!!

When we were leaving the hospital, the couple that also had the emergency c-section at about the same time as me took the same lift with us. They had their baby with them, they smiled at hubby (both husbands were waiting for their wives in surgery, together in the waiting area). They noticed that we didn't have our baby with us. I smiled back at them, weakly ... I think they didn't dare to ask us anything. I felt so miserable. I think I was on the brink of depression but I didn't know it then ...

This is the photo that literally breaks my heart. I don't think I need to say much. You be the judge, if you were his mother ... how would you feel? Can you feel my pain?... I rest my case!

I put this photo here, especially to remind myself ... how far we've come - Ryan, Steven & me. Ryan is now a gregarious, bubbly, happy boy who is so cheerful & chirpy, you would never had guessed that he was the same child, in the previous photo. Two & a half years made such a world of difference!

I am so happy to have him in my life. I am so grateful that he's healthy & here with us. I thank God for His blessings!

RYAN'S BABY STORY CONTINUES ...

Tis was Ryan's 2nd day of life. I managed to "peel" myself off the hospital bed. Hubby wheeled me up to see my son for the first time. I was still in my hospital maternity attire. By this time, Ryan had a drip on his hand too. Holding him for the first time, I felt strangely odd. This was my son, the baby that I have yearned for so long. Now that he's finally here ... why wasn't I jumping for joy? Coz I didn't expect to be cut up, coz I didn't expect my son to be warded. Silly me ... I thought that I would have a normal, safe, "natural" delivery & would be able to bring my baby home after 2 days. That wasn't going to be my story!

Ryan looks rather yellow here because he suffered from a bad case of jaundice. He had photo-light therapy to get rid of the jaundice. I wondered if the heat (from the intense light) was what caused his skin to peel like hell. I couldn't tell as I didn't really notice his skin on the first day that he was born. Hubby didn't either. I had to rely on hubby's account for he was the only one who got close enough to Ryan. He was peeling literally, it wasn't like sunburn, it was much much worse. I was shocked when I saw him. He was so tiny, wrinkly, skinny, & he had so many drips & wires on him. I wanted to sob so badly but I tried to hold my tears for later. It was really hard for me to see him ... like that!

A LITTLE BIT OF HISTORY ... RYAN'S STORY SO FAR

When I first started this blog, about a year ago, I had already begun on my humble journey of being Ryan's mum. First & foremost, that's what I identify myself with, these days ... being the mother of my only son. Sure the blog contains remnants of my otherwise simple (mostly boring) and absolutely mundane life but its mainly ALL about Ryan. Ryan has given meaning to my life, that no one probably understands (even I never understood how empty or aimless my life felt) ... until he came into my life. To say that life would be meaningless without him, would be an understatement! I will not be the first mother, nor will I be the last mum to say, I would give up my life for my child.

I went through some old baby pictures of Ryan recently and decided to put them up. I never blogged much about his early months and years because there were just too many photos and stories to tell. But I decided that some of these stories and pics are too precious to be to be kept hidden in my heart. They are stories that needed to be told ... for Ryan's memories.

As I conversed recently with my friend, Jess ... I write this blog primarily for Ryan - it is my gift to him. For when I am long gone, Ryan can still take heart that his mummy loved him ever so dearly & hopes he can remember how he touched her life, gave her hope, renewed her outlook, brightened her days, when cloudy skies abound. That he was my ray of light, my angel, and probably the only reason why I was put on this wretched Earth - to bear him, to love him, to cherish him, to treasure him ... and to be able to call him, my beloved son.

Ryan, my baby... this is for you!

P.S : I am starting a new section on Ryan's baby days ... this is the first entry.

Steven took this picture (the first photo taken of Ryan), after he was born in The Singapore General Hospital. Ryan was immediately warded to the Special Care Nursery due to some medical issues. As I had an emergency C-section, I was confined to bed rest. So it was up to hubby to troop up & down the floors (by lifts, of course) to visit his firstborn son. As this unit, serves mostly newborn babies that might need medical intervention, only their parents are allowed to visit. No other family members are allowed to enter. Before handling their babies, every parent had to wear a disposable "apron" that's provided & encouraged to wash their hands too, so as to minimise exposing the vulnerable babies to germs, etc.

Ryan had a drip attached to one of his legs, as you can see from the photo. The drip is the first of many that my poor boy had to endure during his stay there.

Ryan had a full head of hair & it had curls. That kinda tickles me coz hubby's hair is ram-rod straight & mine is only rather wavy. Hhmm ... must be the Malay genes on my side of the family. Funnily, after, we shaved his head when he was about 4 months old, he grew a head of straight hair. Wonder of wonders!

When Ryan was born, immediately after they cleaned him up, the nurse came over to show him to me - "ok ah, its a boy" whilst repeatedly showing my boy's small manhood above my vision (as I was still on the operating table). I saw that his eyes were open. He looked so cute. I did heave a sigh of relief, as I saw his eyes because Ryan was a healthy child. As some may not know, my gynae had given me a sombre prognosis that my firstborn son had a extremely high probability of being afflicted by Down's Syndrome. As this was discovered around the 1st trimester, we were of course offered the choice of an abortion or an amnio, if we were to choose to carry on with the pregnancy. Obviously, we rejected the first choice & decided to not go ahead with amnio as it carried a 1 to 2 percent chance of a miscarriage. There were many a times that I cried myself to sleep thinking of my baby and wondering if I made the right choice. I think I was in denial & repeatedly told myself (rather obsessively) that God would not have given Ryan to me if he wasn't gonna be healthy. I think I was just trying to lie to myself.

I am not a religious person (at all) but I prayed EVERY night ... asking, no ... pleading with God, to please help me save my baby. For him to be healthy. That was all I had asked for. God heard, listened and answered my prayers!

It really breaks my heart to see some of Ryan's early baby pictures. Everytime I see them, I feel like crying. I can't help it. It reminds me so much of the anguish & pain we went through then. We as parents, can make the best of plans for our children, before they are born but at the end of the day everything is in the hands of God. All the birth plans that I made were tossed aside coz everything did go wrong - from the emergency c-sec to my baby staying in hospital for 11 days. It was a roller coaster ride that I did not consent, nor expected. All I can say is that I never want to go through such an agonising time in my life, ever again!

I am just glad that Ryan is now a healthy, bouncy boy ... who is world's apart from that little baby that was born a mere 2.18 kg that fateful day in 2007.

RANDOM PICS

Before I turn in for the night (its 1:50 in wee morning), I wanted to post some pics of my two boys. This was taken in the Special Care Ward, where Ryan stayed for the first 11 days of his life. Look how tiny he was! He was just over 2kg, a real light weight for a full-term baby (he fitted nicely on the cradle of his daddy's hand). But I was really relieved when we managed to bring him home when they gave him the all clear. At last, I had my baby safe with me, at home.

As you can see, Steven was a natural as a 1st time dad & till today, 29 months after his son was born, he still got the knack of carrying his only (wild) child.

Father & son ... then & now!

January 2007

June 2009