I FEEL LOST ...

I don't know what to do.

I have lost my faith in love & I don't think that I care anymore. If people choose to hurt me, do I forgive & forget & pray hard that they will not hurt me again? Should I be so grateful that people choose not to hurt me?

I am lucky that I still have faith. Its my faith that keeps me hanging on. I am grateful I still have my son, Ryan. What the future holds for the two of us ... I really don't know. I don't know what I should do, I am so sad that I can feel my heart break. I have so much anger in me that I think I will explode. I am so teary that I can't stop crying. What am I so weak? Why do I let people hurt me? Why am I so blind? Why am I so stupid? Why am I so useless?

People expect me to forgive & let live ... its not so easy, its not so simple. There are so many things happening, so many new revelations that have come to light recently that it has shaken me to my deepest core. I am now a changed person ... because of that. I am no longer the same person.

I am so hurt that no amount of apologies or promises to amend can change it. No amount of regrets & sorries will ever be enough to heal my broken heart. I wish I wasn't so emotional & sentimental but that is who I am. I wish I was more hard-hearted ... I wish I was stronger. The truth is I am weak ... and tears are my best friends now. How I wish I was stronger!

IN CRISIS ...

At the moment ... I am going through some personal crisis. Don't know if I will have the chance to update the blog ... or even if I have the mood to. Knowing me, I probably will ... coz writing has always been an outlet for me to express my feelings.

I just need to sort out my feelings & re-prioritise the things in my life coz a lot of things have changed these couple of weeks. I am only human .... I have feelings too. Life may be tough but I always hung in there ... now, it seems like some things are not worth hanging on for. To those who know what I am going through, I thank you for listening to my woes, my nonsense, my non-stop talk ... I do appreciate it coz talking about things always makes me feel better. I appreciate your support for I am so lost now, some words of comfort is always appreciated.

I don't know what I will decide but I will make a decision ... soon, I hope. Life has to go on ... for Ryan's sake, I am willing to do almost anything.

For Ryan, I will hold on ....