I'M STILL HERE ...

Its the 7th of August 2009. Yes, I'm still here ... pottering around, living my daily mundane life as I always do. Whats new? Nothing, really. Whats changed? Plenty ... I guess.

Everyday I wake up with a heavy heart. I dunno why. Every once in a while I feel the hurt & I sense the anger and sadness building up. I feel so many emotions ... I am far from letting it all go. Nearly 2 weeks have passed. Normality is slowly creeping up but all is far from being peachy. Somehow, I feel dark cloudy skies above me, making everything I see, in shades of grey. And my heart ... its far from healed. I feel a dusty covering enveloping it & I can't seem to shake it off. Is this what I am gonna have to deal with .... until I can forgive? Is this gonna be the state of my life?

I find it hard to accept my new reality. I thought my life was pretty good. No, my life is far from perfect but it was as good as it can get. I had a beautiful family, caring extended family, good friends & though we could always use more money, life was bearable & I couldn't ask for more, for fear of being labelled greedy. Last week ... I realised that my so called good life was but a mirage. All is not what it seemed ... I must either have been blind or just gullible ... that someone like me can be oh so lucky. I thought that everything was in its place but I guess its obvious now ... that it wasn't!

What do I do with what I know now?

I can't let go neither can I walk away.

I can't seem to forgive nor can I even try to forget.

I can't live on nor do I want it to end.

How do I move on? How do I let go?

Does time heals? Does time reveal?

The aching in my heart, the bleeding of my soul

The damage of my heart, the crushing of my soul

What do I do now? How should I feel?

Where do I turn? Where shall I go?

So many questions, no real answers

All that I have is me ... but is that ever enough!

I don't know where to go, which road to choose

I don't know anything, am I ready to choose?

I'm trying to move on as best I can

With my heart on my sleeve, I take my breath.

As best I can, I will take on

Whatever it is, I have to move on.

Whatever may come, there's where I'll be

I'll still be here, as ready as can be.

Though life has given me many blows

I take it all & let it flow.

What tomorrow will bring, I will never know

I have to be strong, that much I know ...

Thank you God, for keeping me safe. Thank you God, for keeping me strong.

I will raise on this journey ... for it is Your will

I will keep on fighting ... until You find me

I will keep on surviving ... until You feel ... its time for me to leave.