A DAMN STRESSFUL WEEK !

Its finally Friday night (or should I say its Saturday morning ... 12.52am). Its been a tough week for us. Those in the know ... knows what happened, those who don't ... won't know the anguish & stress we had to go through, with one bad news after another. As much as I can, I wanted to believe that everything will be alright but in reality it wasn't. Even as we have sorta sorted out the issues, its just a temporary measure & much more await us. Why are we faced wif so much problems? Why are we always at the end of our wits! I am so sad at the state we are in but I try damn hard not to get depressed & pray hard that we can work out a solution, albeit a temporary one even. I am desperate for things 2 get just a little bit better but I know I'm asking for a miracle.

Whenever life kicks you when you are down ... you look around for a helping hand, a tender word of hope. You then realize that at the end of the day its your family ... there in the background, stretching that hand, offering sagely advice & sending prayers to God for a speedy respite or solution. Sometimes friends will be there for you, sometimes they can't but families are tied by blood that binds them through life & death. And in life you'll get to see the love that enamates through that thing we call "blood". Their love knows no bounds. You won't get to see much of that fabled love & support in good times but its those bad & desperate times that you need love & support, do you get to see their devotion & loyalty to you. Why do I write these in words, when it should be a given that your family loves ... believes ... supports you? Its because I know that not all families are like that! I know that I'm lucky, I'm blessed, I'm grateful ... Though its hard at times 2 fanthom a life without worries, I am thankful to have their prayers of of love.

My mum has been a constant pillar of strength for me all my life. She has been so supportive in word & spirit & I am very sure her prayers has kept me & my family out of the gallows, many a times. Whenever I need advise or a sounding-board, she will be there for me. I will always be grateful for that. Ironically as my mum is not tech savy she will never know of these words I spoke but it is enough for me .. to pen my words for myself, a reminder that God always knew who had to be my mum. I am blessed for that. My mum & me ... we are so similar in nature that we argue & collide constantly but I know I will ALWAYS have a place in her heart. She worries for me like I worry for my son, Ryan. I know if she could help me, she would ... in a heartbeat, just like I would for her & for Ryan. Now that I am a mother, do I understand the enormity of a mother's love. Every mother loves her children but only when you have given life to another human being ... do you realise that your child is but an extension of your own life, love, emotions, heartache, sorrow, pleasure, pain ... in your child, you see yourself.

As a parent, I am ashamed that I can't give more, provide more for my son. I wish I can do better but I am but a product of my own devices. I want to provide him a better life, not the one that I lived. I want hubby & me 2 be able 2 leave this world knowing that we did our darnest in raising him, that we are proud 2 be his parents, 2 be able 2 be in his life ..

All we can do is try as best we can, to survive ... and though there are times that I wanna give up, give in, I know that my family depends on me - to stay strong! Its so hard sometimes ... that at times I wish it would all end ... but my faith, my religion, my family, my love for my son & my husband helps me hold on ... to that tiny piece of hope that one day it will all be history. That one day I will wake up ... not having to worry about mundane stuff like how to survive another bl**dy day. Its sad & pathetic how life can be. Things can spiral out of control & you have little power to stop it. All you can do is ride it out & hope you come out the other end unscathed, bloody but still alive.

Give me hope, so I can stay on longer
Give me a hand, so I can help myself
Give me a lift, so I can stand
Give me a reason, so I can be a believer
Give me support, so I can be stronger
Give me love, so I can love back
Give me a sign, so I can keep my faith
Give me wind, so I can soar a little higher
Give me wings, so I can fly ...

Help me carry on ... so that I have the will to survive
Have faith in me ... so that I still have my dignity
Have hope in me ... so that I have faith in myself
Have trust in me ... so that I believe in myself
Have love for me ... for its so hard to love myself.

Give me some strength, for I am weak
Give me some hope, for I am hopeless
Give me some faith, for I am faithless
Give me some devotion, for I am useless
Give me some love, for I am loveless
Give me some lead, for I am aimless
Give me some fuel, for I feel empty inside
Give me some direction, for I am lost.

Through tears, desperation & heartache
We seek forgiveness ...

Forgive me for who I am
Forgive me for what I've become
Forgive me for what I've done
Forgive me for what I'll do
Forgive me for all my sins
Forgive me .... Forgive me.