ANOTHER ROUND OF RANDOM PICS ...

Just some pics of Ryan with his usual bunch of rides. There isn't a week that Ryan does not have a go at these kiddy rides. But I can tell you that nearly all these rides are not paid ones, just posed ones. I think its all right to have a ride or two once in a while but to pay of each & every ride is downright crazy. At the rate that Ryan sits on these rides, I could be saving for his university education by the time he tires of them (which is I dunno when).

I used to delete photos like these ... ones that don't show his face, just the back or side views but I realised that these pics are actually quite cute & even "artistic" is a weird way. It kinda grew on me coz its just a simple representation of who Ryan is ... he's so energetic that a lot of times I only get a back view or a not so "perfect" shot all the time. It reminds me that I have to get better shots of him but it also reminds me that not all shots have to be PERFECT, every shot is perfect if they are shots of the ones you love. So I hope everyone will enjoy the pics, just like I love them all ... unfocused, hazy ... or not!

I like this pic, as I caught him giving me a cheeky squint.

Giving me a model-like pose.

Rubbing his eyes ... oops, I think its time to go home now!

RANDOM PICS AGAIN

A lot of these next few posts are backdated ones, as I am trying to catch up with all the photos. Again, its random pic time. These were taken during one of our usual cheap dinners. We tend to go to food courts or coffee shops, so nothing special about it.

These pics are rather cute as Ryan was being squirmy, as usual! Ryan & hubby seem to be making a few funny faces on that night, so at least these photos will be different from the usual fare ... haha.

He loves to stand on his Papa!

Where's the moon? We always like to ask him that question, as he just loves the moon - but not the sun. Haha... don't know why? Maybe its because he's born after midnight ... some might say that's why ... haha, me I don't really know either.

Hubby having his Nasi Ayam Goreng (looks spicy but its not) whilst Ryan has his usual Egg Prata.

OF BUSES & TRAINS

Lately we have been on a frenzy of sorts ... of bus & train rides. It seems like, nearly every Saturday, when we can't drive (coz our car is OPC), we try to make our munchkin happy & tell him we gonna - "take the bus". These few words sets off a frenzy of sorts as Ryan just loves taking the bus & train. He keeps repeating it ("take bus") until we ride the transport. He just loves all modes of transportation.

On one hand I am glad that he's turned out to be the "typical" boy - loving cars, buses, trains, cranes, aeroplanes, helicopters & now dinosaurs. He's turning out to be just like any other little boy, I guess. I am glad ... coz at one point Ryan loved soft toys a little too much. Not that anythings wrong in liking soft toys (which he still does, though not obsessively ... haha) but he's diverted much of his attention to these transport toys ... so that's a relief, of sorts.

I am happy to note that a lot of times when we board the trains, there will be some commuters that will offer a seat to Ryan. Unfortunately, my boy hates to sit (but of course), instead he loves to stand, especially by the handrails. He loves posing & holding on to the rails. To those who offer us seats, I thank you ... we appreciate it. To those adults who purposely turn a blind eye or pretend not to see us (which is impossible, if u know my size), I say, SHAME on you! Next time when you are old & feeble or when you have small kids of your own, don't expect people to give up their seats for you ... coz you didn't too!!!

I don't think we will stop taking our usual train & bus rides, anytime soon. As long as Ryan enjoys it, we will make time for it.

JUST FEEL LIKE TALKING ...

Its midnight as I start writing this but I'm not sleepy yet ... haha, so whats new? The last couple of weeks, I have been rather emotional & muddled - deep in thought. I look at my miserable state-of-life & realise that I have not achieved much, in my entire existence. I have been out of the workforce for so long that I can't fathom going back to work, for I would be at a real loss. But recent developments in my life has shown that I might just have to do that ... soon.

I was quite independent in my teenage years but all that changed when I met someone & fell in love. Love has a hold on you like no other. It made me clingy & possessive. I didn't even like myself then. That love episode did not last (as expected) but it changed my perception & my outlook on life. I learnt to be more independent & carefree. I learnt that love ain't everything that its cracked up to be.There are many regrets I have in life but I have lived my life as best I can. There ain't many things that I can be proud of, there ain't many things that I've achieved in life, there ain't much of anything, at all.

I've lived my life as a simple person, living as simply as I can. My ambitious streak was wiped out when I got married coz I always felt that being a good wife is to stay & keep a good home. I brushed aside my aspirations to be this or that ... all I wanted was to raise a family. How cruel life can be .... the family I yearned didn't materialise until about a decade later, when my son was born. Now my life is lived ... for my son because I have no other aim in life. Does that sound noble to you? It doesn't to me. It just sounds pathetic. Don't get me wrong ... I love my son to death but I I kinda feel that there's something missing in my life. What is it ... I really don't know? I thought having a child was the answer to my loneliness, my emptiness ... it wasn't. Though Ryan gives me much joy, love & happiness, I can't help but think that my life is still aimless. He gives me hope, he gives me something to look forward to, he gives me the strength to carry on, he gives me that little bit extra ... just to hold on. I know without Ryan, my life would have been meaningless. At least with him, I knew I was put on this Earth, to give life to him. What else am I here for ... I really don't know?

Sometimes in life, you put in so much hope on a person but a lot of times it backfires. I have come to realise that in life, you can never trust anyone ... ever! The only person you can trust is yourself. You can't trust anyone with your heart, your love, your life ... you can only trust yourself. In life, love can cloud your judgement, love can make you dizzy, love can hypnotise you, love can make you do silly mistakes, love can make you so stupid. I think it is never wise to totally trust anyone a 100 % because every human being is able to hurt another person. Trust is funny thing, its intangible but it is so priceless, once its gone, its gone forever!

Most of the time I am an open book. When I care, I show it, when I'm sad, I show it, when I am disheartened, I show it. I try not to wallow in self pity & I try to pick myself up when I am down. I try to psyche myself up when I need a pep talk. I chide myself when I know I've done wrong. I own up to my mistakes & vow never to repeat them. Although I am a cynical person I choose to believe in love & devotion because that's all I know. I believe when you love someone you love them with all your heart & soul, never doubting, never second-guessing. I guess love clouded my judgement, love made me forget my number 1 rule (made years ago, when my heart was broken by the first love) - Trust no one! I don't understand how I could I have forgotten that mantra. It was a rule I stood by because I have been heart-broken, back-stabbed by so many people I have come to love & called friends that I have lost count. People around me seemed to always hurt me, loyalty be dammed! I knew I lost my way when I choose to trust whole-heartedly once again. Now I know that I been lost & misguided, for I am now reminded that again, you can never trust anyone, with all your heart because people can change on the outside but they can also change on the inside. There are times when you think that you know a person so well that you can "predict" their next move, but when you find out much later that a person can do things out of character & hide stuff, you know then that all is not as it seems.

Why am I talking in riddles? Why am I talking in circles? Because I am ... just so tired. Life has been tough these couple of years but its made bearable, when I think of Ryan. I try so hard to hold on, just for him ... & no one else. Life is so meaningless to me, at times. I don't really know why I'm here or why I'm still around. There are times when I wonder if Ryan deserves a better mother coz I know he deserves so much better. Maybe God gave Ryan to me coz He knew I needed him ... more than he needed me.

When Ryan grows up & reads this, I want him to know that he was always wanted. Even if he was born "un-perfect" as the doctors predicted, I would have still loved him, with all my heart & soul. Even if its just left with just the two of us, we will still make it. Even if all hope is gone, I will still fight on ... for him. I know that when God gave Ryan to me, he was more than just another baby, he was God's greatest gift ... to me! I think I badly needed someone to love me for who I am, with all my imperfections. I needed someone who would love me unconditionally. I needed someone who would love me for who I am, not for what I can give. Ryan, is the only person who can love me, for all that I am!

Having been through so much these couple of years, you might think that I am "hardened".

No ... in fact .. I am even more jaded,
more cynical,
more negative,
more pessimistic,
more delusioned.

I have come to realise that life doesn't do you any favours.
I have come to realise that not everyone is kind or generous.
I have come to realise that when you're down in the dumps, no one wants to be your friend.
I have come to realise that a lot of times you don't really know someone.
I have come to realise that buckets of tears don't make your problems go away.

I have come to realise that I can't put my life in someone else's hands.
I have come to realise that I can only depend on myself.
I have come to realise that I have to put myself first, not everyone else.
I have come to realise that I have to stand on my own two feet.
I have come to realise that if things go wrong, I have no one to blame but myself.

I have come to realise that I can't leave my fate in someone else's clutches.
I have come to realise that I can't trust anybody.
I have come to realise that I can't trust love nor friendship.
I have come to realise that I have to save myself, for no one else can.
I have come to realise that I have to believe in myself.
I have come to realise that I need to be strong, for my own sake.


I have come to realise that I love too much, I care too much, I trust too much ...

Now, I need to change that ...

WHOHOO! RYAN IS 2 AND A HALF!

Alert : Another post with lotsa photos ... hehe!

This week my dear son turned 2 and a half (or 30 months, as I keep counting)! As Hubby had to work & had meetings whole day, we were stuck at home (as usual). If you didn't know by now, we as a family always try to celebrate the small milestones of our son, like his monthly-versary (his birth-day, in every month). As this is the month that he turns, 2 and a half (which is rather monumental, to me anyway) ... I thought that we should go out for a simple (cheap) meal tonight.

Alas, Hubby called at the last minute to say that he had to go for yet another meeting. Arrgh! I was rather upset but what can you do ... work is work, right!?. I guess Hubby sensed my disappointment! He called back awhile later to say he can actually miss the meeting as he just found out that he does NOT really need to be there at all. Phew! The day was saved!

The first couple of photos are of Ryan playing around, after his afternoon nap.

Trying to be cute, covering his face with the digicam cover.

Looking rather solemn.

Smiling now!

These next photos were taken from a upward angle. Ryan just loves to "bully" his mummy. He loves to sit on my tummy (or my ribs, if you must) when we are playing on the bed. Oh! he loves to jump or "dance" whilst on top of the parent's tummy too (daddy gets his turn too, sometimes). I thought it might be cute to get some pics of him whilst he was doing his thing.

The photo above is really outta focused but the pic of him was rather cute so I thought I'll just put it up. I realised that some badly-focused-shaky pics are actually rather nice. So what if the pictures aren't super clear, all that matters is that the photo is memorable or taken at an opportune time. So I will continue to post the not-so-well-taken pics & still get to enjoy that special moment in time ...

On his bike (still doesn't know how to pedal yet). His lips are full of yogurt!

A not-so-pretty pose ... haha!

Very messy hair.

Looking serious!

Playing with his favourite thing - the digicam cover.

Ryan looks rather serious here. He wasn't very happy because he was wailing in the car due to a real scolding from me. That's because he rushed into the elevator when we were leaving our home. Sometimes we let him press the buttons (although we try not to ... as we don't want him to touch the lift buttons ... germs & all) but on this night, the lift was on our floor, that is ... as soon as he pressed the buttons ... the door opened & he rushed into it ... whilst his parents are WAYYYY behind! I screamed for hubby to rush to the lift & luckily he managed to get there on time, before the elevator door closed on him. Phew!

Sigh! Why is it that kids don't listen to their parents?! Like not to go into lifts when no one's in it? Don't they know that its dangerous? I guess not huh! Ryan got a good scolding from me & he started crying ... from the lift, to the car & most of the journey to dinner. Sigh! he was being such a "monster", I couldn't understand why! Its not as if I have never scolded him before this. Sigh! And so, when the above photo was taken, he was still sulky. I asked him what he wanted for dinner. Before his tantrum, he said "tata (prata) and rice" but when I asked him again after the meltdown, he refused to say what he wanted for dinner. Well, when the kid is being stubborn & wants to have a big "show" of his new independence, the parent WILL decide. We had rice for dinner. So there!

After awhile, he "cooled" down & warmed up .. as he loves sitting on this bike.

We passed a cake counter & ...

Hubby said, " Shall we buy a cake for him?"

Me ... asked "For what? To blow a candle, you mean?"

Hubby : "Yah"

Me : "Ok, lah"

So here are the pics we took, once we reached home. Since it was kinda late by then, we rushed to sing him a birthday song & let him blow a single candle. Hehe ... I'm sure most parents don't do these for their kids. We don't really either but I guess being, no turning ... two & a half is monumental for someone that has been on this Earth for that long (only). As I said to Hubby, Ryan didn't exist, as a person, only three years ago. And now he's here, growing everyday, learning new words everyday, thinking of new things to irritate his parents (especially his mummy, who deals with his antics daily). Everyday he does new things, everyday he makes new memories, everyday is a blessing ... that I will NOT take for granted!

Waiting to blow his mini cake.

All smiles!

Waiting very patiently ...

Done, blowing out the candle! He was so happy!

Oops! Daddy's hairy arm gets in the way.

We lighted the candle again as he was disappointed that he managed to blow it only once, duh!

Second's time a charm!

Daddy wiping drool off Ryan's face. Why drool? Because as he was blowing the candle, lots of saliva joined in too ... haha!

Ok, now the cake is all ready to be eaten.

Daddy giving Ryan a small bite of the cake.

Bedtime, finally!

A last look of my son ... on the day that he turns 2 and a half. He never fails to amaze me ... how he's grown all these years. I don't think he will stop amazing me anytime soon. Sweet dreams, my Baby!