IT'S DINO TIME

Ryan loves his dinosaurs. Being the ever dutiful parents, recently we thought of bringing him to the latest Dinosaur exhibition at the Singapore Science Centre, during the June school holidays. Unfortunately, my boy turned out to be scared out of his wits, when he saw the gigantic replica of a T-Rex (I think) just at the entrance of the McDonald's beside the Science Centre. It didn't help that the said giant dino had animatronic action & sounds so I guess for a 2 year old, it did seem like a "real" dinosaur. He thought it was for real. I think that it definitely didn't help that we just saw "Journey to the centre of the Earth" starring Brendan Fraser on DVD the day before, so I guess the dinosaur chasing scene was fresh on his mind ... my silly boy!

Since the big dino, scared him to bits, we decided to skip the exhibits & just took some photos instead. Maybe when Ryan's older, he won't be so scared of them. We'll see ...

If you can see his face, you'll be able to tell that he didn't enjoy being so near the T-Rex.

Not a happy camper!

This photo is soo outta focused ... Hubby, concentrate!

See Mummy can take better pics.

T-Rex trying to eat poor Ryan!

Lots of water features, Ryan's favourite!

So we ended up not having to spend any money for the admission to the dino exhibition but we still get to see a grand dinosaur ... not bad huh? Ryan also got to see many water "sprouts" which he always enjoys. All in all, it wasn't a bad day after all.

THE ELEVATOR

Yet more random photos of Ryan, this time in the elevator. Why did I take pictures of my son in a lift? Ermm ... because I can ... haha! Also because I just felt like it, dun need a reason to.

There are times when Ryan is being quite cooperative, like these ... you can see lots of cheeky smiles & agile poses. If he wasn't in the mood to pose as my model, you can see rather subdue looks & a rather stiff presence. So whenever I can tell that Ryan is in one of his chirpy moods, out comes the digicam & before you know it, flashes will go off. Enjoy!

DOING OUR DAILY STUFF AT HOME

This is my first feeble attempt at doing the Project 365 (a photo for each day of the year). Haha, it didn't quite work out that way. Why? Coz I took more than one photo (sorry can't help it, bad habit) & coz I realised that I can't possibly keep up taking one photo a day. Firstly, we are always at home on weekdays, so how interesting can that be? Secondly, to take a photo each day, makes it like homework ... & I wouldn't want that. I'll rather that I was free to take a photo of any thing, any time, any day ... any how.

Well, since the pics were already taken, just savour them ok?

He looks like he's marching.

He's always pointing (arrgh! still trying to get him to drop this bad habit).

His lips look very full here, though its not really that "lusciously" thick.

Such big googly eyes ...

His gigantic bike ... which plays the most irritating ah beng music!

Can you see his diapers full of wee-wee? Haha ... he needed a change badly.

Bar (his BFF, Barney) getting "rolled" on by the bike.

SOME OF RYAN'S FAVOURITE TOYS

When hubby saw these photos ...

He asked - Huh, you took photos of that?

Ermm ... yah, what's wrong with that? - I asked.

I took these pics as a token reminder of the stuff that interests Ryan, at this time in his young life. When he's much older & he looks at the blog & sees these toys, he will either laugh at his "innocence" or shrug it off or even blush in embarrassment. All the above reactions are expected, especially from a little boy that has grown up but the aim of these photos are not to embarrass its owner. In fact its the opposite, its just a reminder of glory days or show I say the days, when everything is innocent & carefree. Haha ... enjoy it while it lasts!

These dinosaurs were bought at a flea market for 3 bucks, cheap cheap!

The dinosaur noise-maker is quite expensive. Think it cost bout 7 bucks or so, but what to do, Ryan loves it! It didn't come with the awful (& usually useless candy) that I tend to leave in the tube anyway coz they are mostly awful candies & coz Ryan don't eat sweets (thank God)

Ryan loves his dinosaurs, bikes and all. I don't think this haul will be the last on the block, for I think he has many more years of that, to come.

ANOTHER ROUND OF RANDOM PICS ...

Just some pics of Ryan with his usual bunch of rides. There isn't a week that Ryan does not have a go at these kiddy rides. But I can tell you that nearly all these rides are not paid ones, just posed ones. I think its all right to have a ride or two once in a while but to pay of each & every ride is downright crazy. At the rate that Ryan sits on these rides, I could be saving for his university education by the time he tires of them (which is I dunno when).

I used to delete photos like these ... ones that don't show his face, just the back or side views but I realised that these pics are actually quite cute & even "artistic" is a weird way. It kinda grew on me coz its just a simple representation of who Ryan is ... he's so energetic that a lot of times I only get a back view or a not so "perfect" shot all the time. It reminds me that I have to get better shots of him but it also reminds me that not all shots have to be PERFECT, every shot is perfect if they are shots of the ones you love. So I hope everyone will enjoy the pics, just like I love them all ... unfocused, hazy ... or not!

I like this pic, as I caught him giving me a cheeky squint.

Giving me a model-like pose.

Rubbing his eyes ... oops, I think its time to go home now!

RANDOM PICS AGAIN

A lot of these next few posts are backdated ones, as I am trying to catch up with all the photos. Again, its random pic time. These were taken during one of our usual cheap dinners. We tend to go to food courts or coffee shops, so nothing special about it.

These pics are rather cute as Ryan was being squirmy, as usual! Ryan & hubby seem to be making a few funny faces on that night, so at least these photos will be different from the usual fare ... haha.

He loves to stand on his Papa!

Where's the moon? We always like to ask him that question, as he just loves the moon - but not the sun. Haha... don't know why? Maybe its because he's born after midnight ... some might say that's why ... haha, me I don't really know either.

Hubby having his Nasi Ayam Goreng (looks spicy but its not) whilst Ryan has his usual Egg Prata.

OF BUSES & TRAINS

Lately we have been on a frenzy of sorts ... of bus & train rides. It seems like, nearly every Saturday, when we can't drive (coz our car is OPC), we try to make our munchkin happy & tell him we gonna - "take the bus". These few words sets off a frenzy of sorts as Ryan just loves taking the bus & train. He keeps repeating it ("take bus") until we ride the transport. He just loves all modes of transportation.

On one hand I am glad that he's turned out to be the "typical" boy - loving cars, buses, trains, cranes, aeroplanes, helicopters & now dinosaurs. He's turning out to be just like any other little boy, I guess. I am glad ... coz at one point Ryan loved soft toys a little too much. Not that anythings wrong in liking soft toys (which he still does, though not obsessively ... haha) but he's diverted much of his attention to these transport toys ... so that's a relief, of sorts.

I am happy to note that a lot of times when we board the trains, there will be some commuters that will offer a seat to Ryan. Unfortunately, my boy hates to sit (but of course), instead he loves to stand, especially by the handrails. He loves posing & holding on to the rails. To those who offer us seats, I thank you ... we appreciate it. To those adults who purposely turn a blind eye or pretend not to see us (which is impossible, if u know my size), I say, SHAME on you! Next time when you are old & feeble or when you have small kids of your own, don't expect people to give up their seats for you ... coz you didn't too!!!

I don't think we will stop taking our usual train & bus rides, anytime soon. As long as Ryan enjoys it, we will make time for it.

JUST FEEL LIKE TALKING ...

Its midnight as I start writing this but I'm not sleepy yet ... haha, so whats new? The last couple of weeks, I have been rather emotional & muddled - deep in thought. I look at my miserable state-of-life & realise that I have not achieved much, in my entire existence. I have been out of the workforce for so long that I can't fathom going back to work, for I would be at a real loss. But recent developments in my life has shown that I might just have to do that ... soon.

I was quite independent in my teenage years but all that changed when I met someone & fell in love. Love has a hold on you like no other. It made me clingy & possessive. I didn't even like myself then. That love episode did not last (as expected) but it changed my perception & my outlook on life. I learnt to be more independent & carefree. I learnt that love ain't everything that its cracked up to be.There are many regrets I have in life but I have lived my life as best I can. There ain't many things that I can be proud of, there ain't many things that I've achieved in life, there ain't much of anything, at all.

I've lived my life as a simple person, living as simply as I can. My ambitious streak was wiped out when I got married coz I always felt that being a good wife is to stay & keep a good home. I brushed aside my aspirations to be this or that ... all I wanted was to raise a family. How cruel life can be .... the family I yearned didn't materialise until about a decade later, when my son was born. Now my life is lived ... for my son because I have no other aim in life. Does that sound noble to you? It doesn't to me. It just sounds pathetic. Don't get me wrong ... I love my son to death but I I kinda feel that there's something missing in my life. What is it ... I really don't know? I thought having a child was the answer to my loneliness, my emptiness ... it wasn't. Though Ryan gives me much joy, love & happiness, I can't help but think that my life is still aimless. He gives me hope, he gives me something to look forward to, he gives me the strength to carry on, he gives me that little bit extra ... just to hold on. I know without Ryan, my life would have been meaningless. At least with him, I knew I was put on this Earth, to give life to him. What else am I here for ... I really don't know?

Sometimes in life, you put in so much hope on a person but a lot of times it backfires. I have come to realise that in life, you can never trust anyone ... ever! The only person you can trust is yourself. You can't trust anyone with your heart, your love, your life ... you can only trust yourself. In life, love can cloud your judgement, love can make you dizzy, love can hypnotise you, love can make you do silly mistakes, love can make you so stupid. I think it is never wise to totally trust anyone a 100 % because every human being is able to hurt another person. Trust is funny thing, its intangible but it is so priceless, once its gone, its gone forever!

Most of the time I am an open book. When I care, I show it, when I'm sad, I show it, when I am disheartened, I show it. I try not to wallow in self pity & I try to pick myself up when I am down. I try to psyche myself up when I need a pep talk. I chide myself when I know I've done wrong. I own up to my mistakes & vow never to repeat them. Although I am a cynical person I choose to believe in love & devotion because that's all I know. I believe when you love someone you love them with all your heart & soul, never doubting, never second-guessing. I guess love clouded my judgement, love made me forget my number 1 rule (made years ago, when my heart was broken by the first love) - Trust no one! I don't understand how I could I have forgotten that mantra. It was a rule I stood by because I have been heart-broken, back-stabbed by so many people I have come to love & called friends that I have lost count. People around me seemed to always hurt me, loyalty be dammed! I knew I lost my way when I choose to trust whole-heartedly once again. Now I know that I been lost & misguided, for I am now reminded that again, you can never trust anyone, with all your heart because people can change on the outside but they can also change on the inside. There are times when you think that you know a person so well that you can "predict" their next move, but when you find out much later that a person can do things out of character & hide stuff, you know then that all is not as it seems.

Why am I talking in riddles? Why am I talking in circles? Because I am ... just so tired. Life has been tough these couple of years but its made bearable, when I think of Ryan. I try so hard to hold on, just for him ... & no one else. Life is so meaningless to me, at times. I don't really know why I'm here or why I'm still around. There are times when I wonder if Ryan deserves a better mother coz I know he deserves so much better. Maybe God gave Ryan to me coz He knew I needed him ... more than he needed me.

When Ryan grows up & reads this, I want him to know that he was always wanted. Even if he was born "un-perfect" as the doctors predicted, I would have still loved him, with all my heart & soul. Even if its just left with just the two of us, we will still make it. Even if all hope is gone, I will still fight on ... for him. I know that when God gave Ryan to me, he was more than just another baby, he was God's greatest gift ... to me! I think I badly needed someone to love me for who I am, with all my imperfections. I needed someone who would love me unconditionally. I needed someone who would love me for who I am, not for what I can give. Ryan, is the only person who can love me, for all that I am!

Having been through so much these couple of years, you might think that I am "hardened".

No ... in fact .. I am even more jaded,
more cynical,
more negative,
more pessimistic,
more delusioned.

I have come to realise that life doesn't do you any favours.
I have come to realise that not everyone is kind or generous.
I have come to realise that when you're down in the dumps, no one wants to be your friend.
I have come to realise that a lot of times you don't really know someone.
I have come to realise that buckets of tears don't make your problems go away.

I have come to realise that I can't put my life in someone else's hands.
I have come to realise that I can only depend on myself.
I have come to realise that I have to put myself first, not everyone else.
I have come to realise that I have to stand on my own two feet.
I have come to realise that if things go wrong, I have no one to blame but myself.

I have come to realise that I can't leave my fate in someone else's clutches.
I have come to realise that I can't trust anybody.
I have come to realise that I can't trust love nor friendship.
I have come to realise that I have to save myself, for no one else can.
I have come to realise that I have to believe in myself.
I have come to realise that I need to be strong, for my own sake.


I have come to realise that I love too much, I care too much, I trust too much ...

Now, I need to change that ...