I FEEL LOST ...

I don't know what to do.

I have lost my faith in love & I don't think that I care anymore. If people choose to hurt me, do I forgive & forget & pray hard that they will not hurt me again? Should I be so grateful that people choose not to hurt me?

I am lucky that I still have faith. Its my faith that keeps me hanging on. I am grateful I still have my son, Ryan. What the future holds for the two of us ... I really don't know. I don't know what I should do, I am so sad that I can feel my heart break. I have so much anger in me that I think I will explode. I am so teary that I can't stop crying. What am I so weak? Why do I let people hurt me? Why am I so blind? Why am I so stupid? Why am I so useless?

People expect me to forgive & let live ... its not so easy, its not so simple. There are so many things happening, so many new revelations that have come to light recently that it has shaken me to my deepest core. I am now a changed person ... because of that. I am no longer the same person.

I am so hurt that no amount of apologies or promises to amend can change it. No amount of regrets & sorries will ever be enough to heal my broken heart. I wish I wasn't so emotional & sentimental but that is who I am. I wish I was more hard-hearted ... I wish I was stronger. The truth is I am weak ... and tears are my best friends now. How I wish I was stronger!

IN CRISIS ...

At the moment ... I am going through some personal crisis. Don't know if I will have the chance to update the blog ... or even if I have the mood to. Knowing me, I probably will ... coz writing has always been an outlet for me to express my feelings.

I just need to sort out my feelings & re-prioritise the things in my life coz a lot of things have changed these couple of weeks. I am only human .... I have feelings too. Life may be tough but I always hung in there ... now, it seems like some things are not worth hanging on for. To those who know what I am going through, I thank you for listening to my woes, my nonsense, my non-stop talk ... I do appreciate it coz talking about things always makes me feel better. I appreciate your support for I am so lost now, some words of comfort is always appreciated.

I don't know what I will decide but I will make a decision ... soon, I hope. Life has to go on ... for Ryan's sake, I am willing to do almost anything.

For Ryan, I will hold on ....

FEELING SAD ...

There are times in your life that you have to forgive & forget. There are times in your life, you just need to overlook stuff, & life has to be like normal again. I am at that stage in my life right now ... I have some knowledge that someone very dear to me have been doing some rather hurtful things behind my back ... & I can't seem to over-look it .... I can't pretend that everything's peachy. I am not that kind of person ... who is good at pretending, "acting" ... when I am feeling sad I dun hide it, when I am upset I dun hide it, when I'm hurt I dun hide it.

I don't pretend to be perfect because I am not. I am full of imperfections & I have a lot of faults. I am no beauty nor do I bother to be vain, as its not the top of my priority. All that matters to me in life ... is my family. Is is so simplistic of me? To just want a happy family life? Is it too much to ask?

What should I do? What is it that I need to do ... in order for me to get pass this? Is it even worth it??? Why should I torture myself so much ... when its others who hurt me? Am I so unlovable that the people I love ... constantly hurt me? Why am I so useless? What is it about me that gives people the right to bully & hurt me? WHAT ??? Please tell me ... coz I am sick & tired of being hurt by people, who say they care, they love, they treasure me ... but do so many things to break my heart.

People judge me & say that I'm rigid ... but is it wrong to ask for some respect?

Is is so much to ask for some self-respect?

Is it so much to ask form the people you love & care about ... not to hurt your feelings?

Is is so much to expect the ones you love ... not to break your heart?

Is it so much to expect people not to betray your trust?

Maybe I am asking for too much!

Who am I ... to ask to be loved, cared, treasured, respected .... I'm just a nobody.

Maybe that's why I don't deserve anything ... not even some miserable happiness!

SUSHI ANYONE ?

I was rather reluctant to pose these pics because I didn't want to give the impression that we do this all the time. Do what, you ask? Going & dining in restaurants. I have posted many a times that we are always on a tight budget & we don't really eat in restaurants. We used to ... but not anymore. Before Ryan was conceived/born, we used to be rather spendthrift & occasionally splurge on meals in restaurants, every so often. Now ... that's all history!

With a kid & one very-limited income, it's virtually impossible for us to be sooo "carefree" with our money. Besides, we aren't rich & we are always tight with finances. So its a rare occasion when we go eat something a bit nice. Even when we do go & eat something better than our usual foodcourt-coffeeshop fare, I watch what we order like a hawk, coz we have to watch our very limited budget.

Recently, we had a simple dinner at Hei Sushi (I think they are under the Sakae Sushi Group) in Sembawang Shopping Centre. They are one of the very few Halal certified Japanese Restaurant in Singapore. Though we've had halal Japanese food in KL & that eatery at Far East Plaza (is it Ramen Ten? can't really recall its name), this is probably the only halal place that serves sushi conveyor style.

To tell you the truth, the food wasn't that fantastic, though it wasn't bad either ... but Ryan & Hubby always enjoy their salmon. So we did order a small portion of salmon & some bits of sushi to try out. Altogether, we spent less than $ 30 but again I kinda feel that we sorta "overpaid" coz it didn't feel like a meal that cost that much (you get what I mean?). Is it just me or are all restaurant standards way down these days? Sure we haven't been to many restaurants these couple of years, but the few mid-priced restaurants that we've been to ... have been quite a disappointment, to say the least.

Sometimes, I feel eating in foodcourts are better deals, as at least when you pay four dollars for a meal, you eat four dollars worth of meat (which is very important coz I'm a meat-eater)-rice-noodles, etc. Unlike restaurants, what you pay for is not equivalent to the taste, you have to pay for the usually-bad-or-barely-acceptable service (charge of 10%) & there's even the stupid GST. Errmm ... & what are we eating anyway? Mostly cardboard tasting food that disappoint on almost all levels. I bet it must just be me coz I see people going to restaurants in droves.

Recession? What recession? Have you seen the queues outside some restaurants or boutiques? I think its either they are suckers for expensive food & stuff or they are damn loaded & can't be bothered with the current recession. No, no I'm not being sore ... just wondering what the big deal is all about. I've been "short-changed" so many times at restaurants that I wonder why I even bother to eat there in the first place. Maybe ... I'm the sucker ... haha!

I made a impromptu kiddy chopstick (I picked that up from one of the blogs, using a rubber band) for Ryan, as he was pestering me, by playing with my chopsticks.

The limited stuff that we ordered (not because there was a limited menu) but due to keeping to our budget. Notice that everything we ordered was cooked, not raw ... haha!

Aw! Don't they look cute?

I think the next time I am "stupid" enough to wanna waste my money on yet another under-performing restaurant, I really better think twice. Sometimes I wonder is it my high standards that qualify these eateries as "failures". I mean if they are that bad, how can they survive ... especially during the recession?

Maybe its really just me ... you be your own judge!

Maybe my standards ARE VERY HIGH ... when you consider that I was brought up by a mum who is one of the best cooks (I have ever known) & that she always believes home-cooked meals are always the best-EST. Maybe I should be like my talented mum & learn to cook better. Like she always says, "If you want to eat something delicious, learn to cook it yourself". That way, you can control what goes into your food, you can up the level for cleanliness & hygiene in food preparation & you can puts in lots of ingredients/spices/meat ... which she says is the key to cooking good food - "You cannot stinge on the ingredients!".

As for me, I've always loved eating ... food, in all shapes & sizes. I sometimes wish I was a better cook, or have the patience to learn all the intricate steps & spices that goes into the especially traditional Malay recipes of yesteryears. I am actually keen to learn more, if my mum has the time (& patience) to teach me. How I wish cooking Malay food was easy, its entails so many steps (& hours) & ingredients that it will make your head spin! I guess that's why when eating at Malay stalls serving the variety of dishes, its wise to know that a plate of mostly meat choices will easily set you back at least, 5 or six dollars, per serving.

I can tell you that cooking Malay food is such hard work! - just by looking at how my mum cooks.That's why I never learnt to cook Malay food-style, I choose the easy way out. I tend to cook mostly stews, stir-fries Chinese style & I boil soups, which is my Hubby's favourite (coz he grew up drinking soup at every meal). I am happy to note that Ryan has followed his Daddy's genes & he loves his soups too. I'm glad my two boys appreciate the long hours I take to boil these soups. They may be simple & home-made ... but they were made with love.

Hhhmm, just need to brush up on my repertoire ... I need to expand my recipes & be more adventurous.

BREAKFAST WITH MY TWO FAVOURITE BOYS

Its rare that we don't have prata for breakfast during the weekends. Sometimes I think hubby & me have eaten so much prata since Ryan has taken a liking to eat, that we seldom eat it at other times (unless its to entice Ryan to eat something ... anything). Haha! I think we will be so sick of prata ... very soon. But then again, at the moment we don't really have a choice coz its Ryan's favourite food. Some may think of all the oil ... but I choose instead, to think of the nutritious egg he devours in his egg prata. We usually have prata every Sunday (or Saturday) morning, if we don't have a lot of errands to run or no other activities or family outings arranged.

That day was no different. Took some pics. Nothing special ... but then again, spending time with your loved ones ... is always SPECIAL!

Ah! A special moment with Mummy!

Let me prick myself with the fork ...

Ryan either looks afraid or tickled ... which one, I dunno?

Looking serious, as usual.

IT'S TRANSFORMERS TIME !

Ok, I wasn't gonna let Ryan go to his 1st movie without a blog post. As I was mentioning about Ryan's latest love affair with Bumble Bee, it is only right that I write about his first movie adventure, watching Transformers. Why did we choose Transformers 2? Because Hubby wanted to see Wolverine & my mum promised to baby-sit Ryan whilst we go see it but alas it never worked out coz mum was always busy, tired, or otherwise unwell (no such luck). As we have no other alternative baby-sitting "services', we had no choice but to haul our son with us if we wanted to see a movie. So, we chose Transformers ....

Before we brought him to see the 2nd Transformer movie, we decided to have a dry run with the first movie at home, on DVD. It turned out that he loved the show. He even managed to keep rather still, quiet & was equally engrossed throughout the whole movie. That gave me the encouragement to bring him to the sequel of the movie.

Hubby was on leave (it was a weekday), so the tickets prices were cheaper. Ryan did not need a ticket because he was under 3 years old. We left home early & took the bus & train, to have the usual brekkie of prata. Whilst awaiting, the start of the movie, we walked around & as usual, Ryan wanted to have a go at some of the usual rides.

Father & son, posing in front of the Transformers II movie poster.

Its Ice Age 3, our next movie change ...

We did go to watch the Ice Age movie the following week or so. Ryan was still as clingy to me but it wasn't half as bad as the Transformers. I would think that it being an animation movie, cartoons & all that he wouldn't be scared stiff, but I was wrong. I understand if Ryan was afraid of the Autobots-Decepticons waging a war, explosions, high-octane show but this was a kiddy movie that had (cute) animals & dinosaurs (his favourite). Alas, Ryan was still as petrified in the pitch dark theatre. He thoroughly enjoyed the first Ice Age movie at home but he didn't enjoy it as much in the movies. Maybe seeing the shows on DVDs in the comforts of home, where you can talk, move, pause, eat - all in "bright" daylight was more comforting than watching a movie on the gargantuan screen in darkness. Oh well, at least I tried! I just hope in the future Ryan will enjoy going to the movies as both his parents are movie freaks.

Of course sometimes, its actually cheaper to rent or borrow DVDs from the stores or friends, coz a ticket price for a weekend movie is sooo expensive. A family of three can easily spend $9.50 x 3 + parking charges + drinks & snacks + meals after the movie. etc. So if you have more than 1 kid, it usually does not make sense to trudge the whole family ... you will have spent a bomb, might as well purchase the DVD when its out, & you get to watch over & over again. Just my 2-cents ....

My baby, sitting on the steps of the entrance of the theatre.

How cute!

Father & son, posing on the cinema steps!

Mummy & Ryan pose awhile, before going in the theatre.

Ryan playing beside the movie mock-up of latest animation "Up".

So my son didn't really get to enjoy his first 2 movies but I have hopes that it will be a better experience the next time. I hope Ryan will always remember this experience coz nothing makes me happier than being able to introduce new & exciting things to my little one. I hope I can think of many more incredible things for Ryan to try & experience, in the future. As long as the activity does not cost too much, we will definitely be up for it. Till then ...

P.S : I didn't notice that when I was trying out the size of the pics to a "Large" in the previous entries, it automatically stayed that way (as a default). Errm ... no wonder the pics are sooo much bigger. Well since the photos are already posted, I won't be changing its size now. I dunno ... maybe the larger size will grow on me ... I just have to wait & see. Hhm, the only thing I don't really enjoy with these larger pics ... that I would look even LARGER than I already am (is that even possible?) ... am I asking too much ... haha!

MY NAME IS ... OPTIMUS PRIME !

Ok ... since watching "Transformers - Revenge Of The Fallen", our whole family ... presumably our munchkin has been obsessed about them. Ironically, our first trip to the movies with Ryan would be unforgettable for the fact that he hung on to me like a petrified Koala Bear. He kept muttering "Scared! So dark! Go outside, light!" ... & other unintelligible words. I guess my boy was scared out of his wits since the theatre was pitch dark & the sound system blasting. Well, he was afraid during the show, but he sure liked them Transformers ... haha!

I wish Ryan liked Optimus Prime (like me). If Optimus was a man-human ... I bet he would be a real hunk - all shiny, colourful, powerful ... a very wise leader, with that oh so sexy-deep voice ... but predictably, Ryan likes the lovable Bumble Bee. Not that anything's wrong with Bum Bee (that's what Ryan calls it), just that Bumble Bee is either hard to find or the ones in the local stores are waaay too expensive for our pockets!

I wonder why the other range of Autobots or Decepticons are so much easier to locate in stores. Sigh! why does my boy always likes things that are obscure & expensive. Its not as if I can afford them ... He's been rather obsessive (how can I blame him when he takes after me ... being obsessive bout most things) about his Bumble Bee, always saying - "Buy, Bum Bee!" ... I wish I can baby, just need to find it & hope we can afford it!

In honour of Ryan's latest craze, I present to you a range of Bumble Bees. If anyone can find the latest Bumble Bee at an affordable 30 bucks or so, please let me know, ya!. It would make Ryan very, very happy. Meanwhile, at every toy store that we pass, we will still be looking for that elusive yellow Autobot called "Bum Bee"!

When Rayn saw these last two pics of Bumble Bee, he refused to "admit" that its Bum Bee, he calls them Mem-mem (any creature or robot that's not remotely human) ... haha! Silly boy ... its really Bumble Bee ... just a different edition, that's all. I guess even if I can locate & buy these two action-figures, he will probably reject them ... as "defects". I would have wasted my money then ... haha, the innocence of a child. He only only knows what he recognises ... nothing more, nothing less!