A SAD ANNIVERSARY ...

This is a photo of my dear little pet guinea pig. Her name was Bubbles (yes, like the Powerpuff Girls but she wasn't named after that toon), I just liked the name ... as I had a "bad" habit of naming all (or most) of my own pets with the letter B (coz of my beloved cat who was named, Baby).

The sad anniversary is two ... of sorts. One anniversary is the passing of Bubbles, 2 years ago. Why of all my many pets, was it easiest to remember the anniversary death of my dear Bubbles. That's because she died the night before I had my operation ... after my miscarriage, in 2007. So I guess its hard for me to forget that fateful date. Its clearly etched in my memory ... how I barely coped during that stage.

Some may say that Bubbles passed away ... to "take" my place, as I was having the op & going under anesthesia, etc. Its kinda swapping places, if you may. I try not to think of it coz I would feel really sad if that was the real reason she passed away. All I can recall was that, other than being a bit quiet the day before, Bubbles was happy & healthy. So when we came home from dinner (as I had no mood to cook or to stay home on the eve of the op), I went to her cage to bid her goodnight, as always. Alas ... I realised that she was already gone. Didn't even know when she passed on. I was inconsolable as you can imagine. I just lost my baby & here my poor pet, Bubbles had to die too! Life wasn't fair! Yes, I had my newborn baby, Ryan (who was about 7 & half months by then) & hubby with me, but to lose my new unborn baby & my pet, within a space of a couple of days ... was a bit too much for me to handle. I remembered I sobbed the whole night, I didn't really sleep either. But I knew I had to get a hold of myself. I had to (pretend to) be strong ...

We had to send Ryan to my mum's place before 6 am, the day of the operation, as I had to report at the hospital before 7 am. Huh, & guess what time I finally went into the operation theatre? ... about 2 pm in the afternoon. I spent a good part of the morning in the operating gown & robe, sitting in the waiting area, with other ladies that were probably going through some kind of operation too. Though I suspect that some were not having the "evacuation of the uterus" - the term for my kind of op, as some were rather elderly & some were very young. Besides, no one was really in a chatty mood ... not that I can blame them. I wasn't either ... all I wanted to do was sob in my hubby's shoulders. But as we all do, we put up a brave front & hold back the buckets of tears. I wasn't gonna break down in front of strangers ... no I wasn't!

I remembered after the op, I was numb & feeling hazy. I was assigned a bed for bedrest. Whilst I was having my op, hubby went to SPCA, to have Bubbles cremated. He met up with me when I was wheeled out of the operating theatre. How was the op? It was white, cold, long & then I couldn't remember anything ... I remembered speaking to my gynae before I was knocked out & I also recalled speaking to the anaesthesiologist before things went blank. The wait for operation itself took so long that I was sorta relieved it finally came. When we finally left the hospital at about 8.30 pm that night, we went to my mum's place to fetch my little baby, Ryan ... who never knew what transpired during the day. I remembered that I kept hugging him. Though I lost Megan that day, I still had Ryan with me ...

I kept saying goodbye to my baby, Megan, whilst I was waiting for the op ... eventhough I knew she wasn't there anymore. I knew somewhere, somehow ... she could hear me. I told her I loved her & that I will see her again ... very soon. I still miss her ... If she was here now, she would have been 1 year & 5 & a half months old. Her birth date was 5 March 2008. I think of her all the time ... I can't help it, she's still my baby. Megan Sarah is still my daughter, even though we can't be her parents in this world. But I know that both Steven & me ... will get to meet her & hold her ... one day. One fine day, we will be a family ... again.

I love you ... Megan Sarah.

I miss you ... every day of my life.

RYAN'S 1ST TRIP OUT OF SINGAPORE

(This is a back-dated post - late July).

Ok, so my son has never been out of the country till the day these pictures were taken in July 2009. We didn't go far either ... hehe, just in nearby JB. But its still monumental to us, haha ... suckers we are, for anything out of the ordinary! Infact, we didn't even bother to "make" his passport until very recently as we do not foresee going overseas anytime soon, due to budget constraints. But JB, well ... that's pretty do-able & still affordable, especially as we normally go there to look for cheaper stuff & to buy groceries. Infact, hubby & me haven't been out of the country for more than 4 years! Yes, its been that long! Wow! it seemed like our Gold Coast trip was just yesterday but its been that "ancient"! And within that 4 long years, I got preggers & had a child, who is now approaching three. Wow! how time flies ... its been sooo long!

On this trip, my mum wanted to tag along as she's been stuck in Singapore too, for a long time (haha ... just like us). So as usual, when grandma's with us I try to cater more to her needs & try to bring her to where she wants to explore. As she's keen to buy cheap groceries, that's where we went. Further on we brought her to bargain for the local fruits like cempedak & rambutans. They were a real good buy!

The first batch of photos are of Ryan having a go at the motorised kiddy rides. At first, I was sceptical & was very sure that Ryan will bang into other kids or hit other passerby but I am amazed & proud of my little munchkin. In this case, he is a lot like his Daddy, who is fantastic at maneuvering & driving. Ryan's sense of direction & confidence is surprisingly good for a kid his age. I see a lot of the older kids, who are terrible & are a menace to everyone they pass. I would be like them if I were a kid. I am hopeless at driving anything that moves & I have a horrible sense of direction. I thank God that Ryan takes after his father. There's hope for him yet ...

Can you see Nenek's baju in the background?

Looking very confident, on his mini-bike.

Looking happy indeed!

Looking behind ... some stray drivers are always running into him, which he hates!

Here we are ... having our lunch at where else ... Pizza Hut. Service was a crawling slow, eventhough the restaurant was practically empty. Well, what can you do. Unfortunately, Ryan wasn't interested at all in his lunch. I thought he would at least have some soup & pizza (which he can pronounce now) but alas my hopes we dashed. He was also being very naughty as he didn't want to keep still in his seat. So we tried to distract him by giving him a pen & paper to doddle. The adults, as usual, enjoyed the meal. Is it my imagination ... but isn't Pizza Hut tastier in Malaysia than in Singapore? Maybe coz its sooo much cheaper to eat there than locally ... haha, maybe that's why its tastier. Ok, you be your own judge!

Hubby having a "tough" time choosing between 2 glasses. Can you see my & my mum's reflection in the mirror? I was snapping this pic ... haha!

Grandma (my mum) waiting not so patiently for the slow pizza. She doesn't really like to take photos either, but I told her she didn't have a choice ... haha!

Can you see the bulge in Ryan's mouth? He's eating ice chips ... haha, a rather bad habit he picked up from his Mummy.

Ok, I made hubby take a photo of mother & daughter together. Haha ... can't you tell that I look like my mum?

We will definitely drop by JB more often now, as we realised that the groceries are so much cheaper there. Too bad the traffic jam can be "vomit" inducing & tough on the butt (for sitting so long in the car) but we suffer through it ... so we can save some money & get to do it as a family. It won't be our last trip, I can assure you!

YES, I'M STILL ALIVE!

Yep! Still here ... just been rather busy with daily stuff & never found the time to log on to update the blog. As I recalled that the last couple of weeks entry have been sombre & absolutely negative ... I decided that I had enough of the pessimism & negativity. Although, things are still raw & I am still in "recovery" mode, life goes on rite? ... I am trying my best, to be more upbeat & chirpy, making my son happy by bringing him to new places or just making his day.

Just trying to make life, as per normal ... how normal is normal? Errm ... as normal as normal can get. Life is still tough, we trudge along as best we can, we still clamber through our boring & mundane life but we still have to live our live, as long as we are still on this Earth.

ITS BEEN ALMOST A YEAR

Wow! How time flies! As I look over my blog, I realised that it's 1st year anniversary is approaching. Ok, so I'm a sucker for anniversary & stuff coz I believe every year in passing is a milestone in one way or another. It means that you have lived ... & however that year pans out, you would have lived your life ... in its entirety. So whatever life has in store for you, the past year is a lesson in itself. A year full of memories, good & bad.

As I am going through some emotional stuff, I am bogged down with things that I haven't even begun to sort out. It looks like when I started this blog last year, around our National Day on the 9th of August, I recalled the happy family we had. How we made loops around the CBD area to find that elusive spot to catch the fireworks' brilliance. And eventhough my son, turned out absolutely petrified, of the blasts in the night sky, I can see he enjoyed the journey we took together. I never thought wanting to see fireworks could be so exciting.

This year, as we approach our nation's 44th birthday, I feel a sense of sadness. It doesn't really feel festive to me coz I am in no mood to celebrate. I am happy that Singapore is safe from terrorist acts & that its recovering from the recession but there's a lot of things that needs attention, in our country. I feel blessed to live in a country that allows me to walk out of my home feeling safe but I also feel that a lot more can be done to build a better home for all of us, Singaporeans. Well, I still look forward to the day when we can all be happy ... I still have a lot of hopes for my country. Maybe I will live to see it, maybe I won't. At least I hope Ryan will get to live in a better Singapore than the one I lived, in my lifetime.

As for the long weekend, we will try to maximise the time of leisure, as we always do. I am trying to spend more time with my hubby & son ... trying to get back to basics. I am trying my best to make life as normal as it was, damn be my broken heart ... life still has to go on, especially for my 2 & a half year old, who is oblivious to the happenings around him. Whatever plans we have, we always try to spend it as a family. I told hubby to go & do some fishing this weekend as I think its a good time for the both of us to have some personal space & to do some soul searching. Though I will be doing that at home with my son (as usual), I think its a small step forward ... for everyone.

I am just trying to do my best ...

I'M STILL HERE ...

Its the 7th of August 2009. Yes, I'm still here ... pottering around, living my daily mundane life as I always do. Whats new? Nothing, really. Whats changed? Plenty ... I guess.

Everyday I wake up with a heavy heart. I dunno why. Every once in a while I feel the hurt & I sense the anger and sadness building up. I feel so many emotions ... I am far from letting it all go. Nearly 2 weeks have passed. Normality is slowly creeping up but all is far from being peachy. Somehow, I feel dark cloudy skies above me, making everything I see, in shades of grey. And my heart ... its far from healed. I feel a dusty covering enveloping it & I can't seem to shake it off. Is this what I am gonna have to deal with .... until I can forgive? Is this gonna be the state of my life?

I find it hard to accept my new reality. I thought my life was pretty good. No, my life is far from perfect but it was as good as it can get. I had a beautiful family, caring extended family, good friends & though we could always use more money, life was bearable & I couldn't ask for more, for fear of being labelled greedy. Last week ... I realised that my so called good life was but a mirage. All is not what it seemed ... I must either have been blind or just gullible ... that someone like me can be oh so lucky. I thought that everything was in its place but I guess its obvious now ... that it wasn't!

What do I do with what I know now?

I can't let go neither can I walk away.

I can't seem to forgive nor can I even try to forget.

I can't live on nor do I want it to end.

How do I move on? How do I let go?

Does time heals? Does time reveal?

The aching in my heart, the bleeding of my soul

The damage of my heart, the crushing of my soul

What do I do now? How should I feel?

Where do I turn? Where shall I go?

So many questions, no real answers

All that I have is me ... but is that ever enough!

I don't know where to go, which road to choose

I don't know anything, am I ready to choose?

I'm trying to move on as best I can

With my heart on my sleeve, I take my breath.

As best I can, I will take on

Whatever it is, I have to move on.

Whatever may come, there's where I'll be

I'll still be here, as ready as can be.

Though life has given me many blows

I take it all & let it flow.

What tomorrow will bring, I will never know

I have to be strong, that much I know ...

Thank you God, for keeping me safe. Thank you God, for keeping me strong.

I will raise on this journey ... for it is Your will

I will keep on fighting ... until You find me

I will keep on surviving ... until You feel ... its time for me to leave.

A NEW WEEK, A NEW START?

It is now Monday. Another week has just begun ...

Last week, was an extremely tough week for me. As I look through the week's entries, I realised they were full of sad, depressing words. No cute pictures, no smiley photographs. Last week, I was consumed with anger, rage & sadness. I felt betrayed & attacked. I was feeling vulnerable & I felt helpless. I was heart broken ...

A week later, things are still not back to normal ... but I am slowly seeing things more clearly. All is not well, nothing is forgiven, the hurt is still there, the damage is done. I can't change the past ... all I can do is shape my future. I am still an emotional mess right now but life has to go on. Things still need to get done, chores need to be completed, the laundry still need to get washed, we still need to eat ... we still need to breathe.

I feel thoroughly drained - emotionally, physically, mentally! It has been a whirlwind ride ... & not in a good way! I feel pulled in so many directions, I feel so conflicted, I have lost my appetite ... literally! (which is so rare for me coz i love to eat & am always hungry). I am in dilemma limbo ... I sometimes don't know what to do or how to feel. There have been so many highs & lows ... I just don't know which way to go. There are times I just want to let all these hurt go & pretend that things are a-okay, back to normal. But there are times I just wanna get up & walk away. Why am I still around? Why do I still stay? Why oh why?

I know ... at the end of the day, there's a lesson to learn from all of this. Some ... I can see clearly but at times I don't really see the lesson that I'm supposed to take from. I know that God wanted me to "wake up". I know God wanted me to learn from it. I know God wanted me to be a better person. I know God has His reasons.

I have decided to make some changes in my life. I feel that there are some things that I can take ownership of ... I am not faultless! I have to decide to take things into my hands ... I have to change where I can & accept those that I can't. There are so many things to consider, there are so many things involved ... it encompasses so many elements. But I try to make small baby steps, I try to change a little at a time.

Whether these changes are the answers, whether what I'm doing is right ... I'm just trying to do what feels right. Yes, I follow my heart ... not necessarily my mind. That always puts me in jeopardy & in harm's way but that's the only way I know how to live my life. It may not be the best way ... but I've always been guided by my heart & it hasn't failed me yet ... so far.

The only thing is ... my heart is so conflicted right now. I feel angry but I also feel peace. I feel rage but I also feel love. I feel so betrayed but I also feel belonged. The one that betrayed has made a real concerted effort. I can see the sincerity, I can see the effort, I can feel the love, I can feel the regret, I can sense the need ... so I am meeting it, halfway.

I am leaving my heart open ... so that it can somehow, somewhat ... start to heal. But I know I am not ready ... yet, to forgive! Maybe ... someday ...

I don't know how my life will pan out. I don't know how I will feel tomorrow ... even, I just live each day as best I can. I have much to learn, I have much to heal, I have much to sort out but I am trying my darnest. God ... help me!

A NEW DAY ...

Its Saturday, the 1st of AUGUST, its now 4.06 am ... I can't seem to sleep.

So I sit here, writing this.

Ryan seem to wake up every couple of minutes, crying for me, wanting me to hold him, touch him, assure him, that I am here ....

I wonder if he knows that I'm wide awake, that I can't sleep ...

& he just wants to keep me company.


Its now 4.34 am, I will try to lay my head down & not think of my broken heart.

Its hard ... but I will try.

Soon dawn will break ... I wonder what the day will be, I wonder what the world has in store for me!

I Hate You Then I Love You BY CELINE DION & PAVAROTTI


CELINE
I'd like to run away from you
But if I were to leave you I would die
I'd like to break the chains you put around me
And yet I'll never try

PAVAROTTI
No matter what you do you drive me crazy
I'd rather be alone
But then I know my life would be so empty
As soon as you were gone

Impossible to live with you
But I could never live without you
For whatever you do

CELINE
For whatever you do

DUET
I never, never, never
Want to be in love with anyone but you

CELINE
You make me sad
You make me strong
You make me mad
You make me long for you

PAVAROTTI
You make me long for you

DUET
You make me live
You make me die

CELINE
You make me laugh
You make me cry for you

PAVAROTTI
You make me cry for you

DUET
I hate you
Then I love you
Then I love you
Then I hate you

CELINE
Then I love you more

DUET
For whatever you do I never, never, never
Want to be in love with anyone but you

PAVAROTTI
You treat me wrong
You treat me right
You let me be
You make me fight with you

CELINE
I could never live without you

DUET
You make me high
You bring me down
You set me free
You hold me bound to you
I hate you
Then I love you
Then I love you
Then I hate you

PAVAROTTI
Then I love you more
I love you more
For whatever you do

CELINE
For whatever you do

DUET
I never, never, never
Want to be in love with anyone but you

PAVAROTTI
I never, never, never

CELINE
I never, never, never

DUET
I never, never, never
Want to be in love with anyone but you
But you

I'm With You by Avril Lavigne

I'm standin' on the bridge
I'm waitin' in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's no sound
Isn't anyone tryin' to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home?

It's a damn cold night
I'm tryin' to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand?
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I'm, I'm with you
I'm with you

Hmm hmm hmm .....
I'm looking for a place
I'm searching for a face
Is anybody here I know?
'Cause nothing's going right
And everything's a mess
And no one likes to be alone
Isn't anyone tryin' to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home?

It's a damn cold night
I try to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand?
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I'm, I'm with you
I'm with you
Yea yea

Oh, why is everything so confusing?
Maybe I'm just out of my mind
Yea eee yeah, yea eee yeahYea yee yea, yea eee yeah,yeah

It's a damn cold night
Tryin' to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand?
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I'm, I'm with you, yeaI'm with you, yea

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I'm, I'm with you, yeaI'm with you, yea
Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I'm, I'm with you, ohI'm with you
I'm with you

I Can't Make You Love Me by Bonnie Rait (1991)


Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize
Don't patronize me.

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't.

I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holdin me
Mornin will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight.

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't.

Seasons change ...

Feelings change ...

People change ...

THE POWER OF WORDS

I do not profess to be very good in the English Language but I can readily admit that I do not find it very hard to express myself ... with words. My educational affirmations have confirmed that I can write well enough to be awarded distinctions. Let's put it this way - I never have a hard time expressing my feelings into words nor do I find it hard to write almost anything. Is it my imagination or do other people find it hard to do the same ... as me?

I have been exposed to some very bad writing ... recently. Its either they are not aware that its (very) bad or they use words that are not appropriate in a certain context. Things like terms of endearment or salutations, judgemental attitudes or accusive assumptions ... there's aplenty but not necessarily used properly. Errm ... is it just me or is it so hard to write what you mean & mean what you write? I know I do! ... but I realise that sometimes when a person is not good in his or her languages ... sometimes the definition & the reasoning goes out the window. Sometimes the meaning gets lost in "translation".

Coupled with an opinionated mind & rather assertive nature, I sometimes seem over-bearing & domineering (which I am). I am faulty to the core. I will not apologise, for that is who I am. I guess over the years, after a lot of heartache & grief, back-stabbing & wretchedness ... I have become the person that I am. We all build a wall when we are constantly being attacked ... me? I built a moat ... around me (& its full of razor sharp crocodiles).

I do not go out of my way to hurt people but if people seem fit to disparage me ... humiliate me, belittle me, hurt me ... I fight back, using words ... coz I am damn good at it. Sometimes the words that come out of my mouth are harsh & difficult to "swallow" but I will only hurt those who hurt me first. I would rather defend than attack. That's my nature ... maybe that's why I always feel I am constantly being attacked by others. I wait around to be attacked & when I do get assaulted ... I burst like an inferno, waiting to burn anything in the way.

Because I value the power of words ... I also know that words can hurt. More than any human act. Some words are so vile that they cut through your heart, they scar you for life. Some words are more painful than having a limb lost. For words can break your heart, for words can hurt your soul. Although I have been hurt very badly recently, by mere words & some very hurtful acts, I have also been guilty of throwing some nasty & noxious words their way. Why do I do that? Because I know that words ... can hurt! I guess because I can ... I do! I am only defending myself ... I tell it as it is!

Love is a funny thing. You would expect the people whom you love & say they love you as much in return, would not turn around to stab you in the heart ... but they sometimes do! Time & again I have been hurt by the people who are dear to me ... I give my heart to them on a platter, hoping that they treasure & love it in return but a lot of times I am disappointed with the miserly "returns".

A lot of times, I feel so cheated! I feel so betrayed!

I have come to realise that sometimes I am no better than the ones that hurt me, most times I am much much worst. That's because I can find words in my vocabulary that far extends them & I search for the words that will hurt them the most, hurt them the deepest. I guess I want them to feel the hurt they have inflicted on me ... by hurting them back, with my "sharp" & nasty words. My intention was to be vile, be "evil" & most times, I do succeed. I am very guilty of that ... but I am not necessarily repentant. Why? Because if you hurt me ... I fight back, in any small way that I can. And if words are my best defence & my ammunition, that is what I will use on my "enemies", my attackers.

I do not pretend to be righteous for ... I am not!

When I meet people who I know struggle with words or whom I know has a poor grasp of the English language, I try not to make them feel out of place. I try to make them feel at ease by speaking in Singlish, which is how I speak in my daily life. I don't go be a pompous ass & speak in the level of English that I am acutely capable off, just to show off or to make people feel small. That's not my nature. I'll rather blend in ... let people think that I'm just a dumb & stupid housewife.

When people look at me, that's what they think. Not only am I not beauty pageant material, I am not interested to be. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. The beauty that I posses is in my heart & my soul ... well, that's what I hope I do. I seem like the typical uneducated housewife & some people are surprised that I am so well read & speak well. Yeah I may not look it but I am actually smarter than people think. I may not have the paper qualifications to show the world but I am far more intelligent than most people give me credit for. I may not know everything ... coz who does? But I am able to stand up for myself ... most times, in the academic or general-knowledge arena. Just don't ask me about Maths or specific Science theories coz they aren't my cup of tea, nor my speciality. But put me in a room full of academics, & I can stand up for myself & not feel small ... I do not possess a lot of confidence in my looks ... but I know that I am far more knowledgeable than the average man on the street. That is something no "enemy" can take away from me!

What is this whole rant about? Errm ... don't really know. Just had to get it out there, that's all. Take what you can & leave the rest behind ...

CLOUDY, HAZY OR CLEAR SKIES ?

The dark & cloudy skies have not cleared ... yet, but I am beginning to see some ray of light over the horizon. Some semblance of sanity has returned. Coherence is slowly returning to my mind but there are many challenges I foresee ahead. The salty showers that rain over my eyes are slowly drying up, but it is in the background ready to overflow anytime. I am holding on ...

I will persevere

I will be resilient

I will prevail

I will sustain ... I will survive!

Whatever may be, I know I have to be strong, I have to be true. I cannot foresee the future nor do I know what God has in store for me but I will keep my head held high as I walk through these treacherous & uncertain times.

The choices I have made ... they shape who I am today. I am neither faultless nor do I profess to be the bearer of perfection. I do not pretend to be righteous nor am I a "saint". I do not pretend to be virtuous nor am I unsullied. None of us are unblemished!

I am just a simple soul trying to find my place in this forsaken world. I am just trying to lead a purposeful life. I am just trying to raise a good child. I am just trying to be a worthy mother. Whether I succeed or fail, it is only for God to judge ...

If it may be that my life is meant to go in an another direction, so be it. This is my destiny. I will have to learn to accept it!

No matter what may come,
I will have to be strong,
I will have to be resilient.
I need to be brave &
I need to be courageous.
I need to be steadfast.

I will not be swayed by others nor will I bend my beliefs for them. If they cannot accept me as I am, then so be it. I have lived enough of my life to know that you can't please everyone ... you can only please yourself ... by doing the best you can. Nothing can take away your right to be true to yourself. Nothing can take away your values, ideals & principles. No one can take away what's important to you. No one can tell you what is black, or white or grey ... you need to decide what colours you want in your life!

I am not here to please anyone nor everyone. Only God knows my heart & only to Him that I will be judged. For those who mock, for those who question, for those who judge ... keep away for I have none the time to care.

I have enough woes to last me a lifetime ...
I seek no sympathy.
I seek no favours.
I seek no empathy.
I will fight my own battles, like I always do!

I have my faith & I have my child ... that is all I need.

Coz nothing else matters!

GOD PLEASE HEAR ME ....

This is my open letter to God ... I hope He can hear me ...

Ya Allah,
Adakah ini suatu rintangan yang patut aku lalui?
Adakah ini suatu cubaan yang Kamu titiskan untuk ku?
Adakah ini satu cabaran untuk aku pelajari?
Adakah ini semua tauladan untuk ku?
Adakah ini satu dugaan untuk direnangi
Adakah ini semua suatu pelajaran dari Mu?

Aku tahu aku patut terima kesemua ini ... aku tahu semua ini telah ditakdirkan.
Patutkah aku mengaku kalah?
Patutkah aku terima nasib ku?
Patutkah aku berjuang sendiri?
Patutkah aku memaafi?

Aku hanyalah seorang insan yang lemah ...
Aku hanyalah seorang yang tiada kekuatan
Aku tak mempuyai kegigihan yang aku ingini
Aku hanyalah satu manusia yang tak berguna.

Tiada siapa yang memahami
Tiada siapa yang menyokongi
Tiada siapa yang memegang ku ... jikalau aku jatuh
Tidaa siapa yang memeluk ku ... jikalau aku sedih
Aku rasa sungguh kesepian
Aku rasa sungguh kesunyian
Aku rasa semuanya ...

Kini aku mesti mempersoalkan ...
Dimanakah tujuan ku sekarang ...
Kehala mana destinasi ku
Kehadapan atau ke perhentian.

Aku tahu Kamu mendengar
Aku tahu Kamu sayangkan Daku
Aku tahu aku patut kukuhkan iman ku
Aku tahu aku harus berpegang tegas
Aku tahu aku tak ada pilihan yang lain
Aku tahu aku mesti kuat
Aku tahu apa yang diajukan

Aku harap Kamu akan pertunjukkan jalan yang patut aku pilih
Kerana aku sesat dan keseorangan ...
Tolonglah perkuatkan iman ku, kerana aku rasa aku akan jatuh ....
Tolonglah aku kerana aku sudah kesesatan
Tolonglah aku ...
Seorang insan yang perlukan Mu.

I FEEL LOST ...

I don't know what to do.

I have lost my faith in love & I don't think that I care anymore. If people choose to hurt me, do I forgive & forget & pray hard that they will not hurt me again? Should I be so grateful that people choose not to hurt me?

I am lucky that I still have faith. Its my faith that keeps me hanging on. I am grateful I still have my son, Ryan. What the future holds for the two of us ... I really don't know. I don't know what I should do, I am so sad that I can feel my heart break. I have so much anger in me that I think I will explode. I am so teary that I can't stop crying. What am I so weak? Why do I let people hurt me? Why am I so blind? Why am I so stupid? Why am I so useless?

People expect me to forgive & let live ... its not so easy, its not so simple. There are so many things happening, so many new revelations that have come to light recently that it has shaken me to my deepest core. I am now a changed person ... because of that. I am no longer the same person.

I am so hurt that no amount of apologies or promises to amend can change it. No amount of regrets & sorries will ever be enough to heal my broken heart. I wish I wasn't so emotional & sentimental but that is who I am. I wish I was more hard-hearted ... I wish I was stronger. The truth is I am weak ... and tears are my best friends now. How I wish I was stronger!

IN CRISIS ...

At the moment ... I am going through some personal crisis. Don't know if I will have the chance to update the blog ... or even if I have the mood to. Knowing me, I probably will ... coz writing has always been an outlet for me to express my feelings.

I just need to sort out my feelings & re-prioritise the things in my life coz a lot of things have changed these couple of weeks. I am only human .... I have feelings too. Life may be tough but I always hung in there ... now, it seems like some things are not worth hanging on for. To those who know what I am going through, I thank you for listening to my woes, my nonsense, my non-stop talk ... I do appreciate it coz talking about things always makes me feel better. I appreciate your support for I am so lost now, some words of comfort is always appreciated.

I don't know what I will decide but I will make a decision ... soon, I hope. Life has to go on ... for Ryan's sake, I am willing to do almost anything.

For Ryan, I will hold on ....

FEELING SAD ...

There are times in your life that you have to forgive & forget. There are times in your life, you just need to overlook stuff, & life has to be like normal again. I am at that stage in my life right now ... I have some knowledge that someone very dear to me have been doing some rather hurtful things behind my back ... & I can't seem to over-look it .... I can't pretend that everything's peachy. I am not that kind of person ... who is good at pretending, "acting" ... when I am feeling sad I dun hide it, when I am upset I dun hide it, when I'm hurt I dun hide it.

I don't pretend to be perfect because I am not. I am full of imperfections & I have a lot of faults. I am no beauty nor do I bother to be vain, as its not the top of my priority. All that matters to me in life ... is my family. Is is so simplistic of me? To just want a happy family life? Is it too much to ask?

What should I do? What is it that I need to do ... in order for me to get pass this? Is it even worth it??? Why should I torture myself so much ... when its others who hurt me? Am I so unlovable that the people I love ... constantly hurt me? Why am I so useless? What is it about me that gives people the right to bully & hurt me? WHAT ??? Please tell me ... coz I am sick & tired of being hurt by people, who say they care, they love, they treasure me ... but do so many things to break my heart.

People judge me & say that I'm rigid ... but is it wrong to ask for some respect?

Is is so much to ask for some self-respect?

Is it so much to ask form the people you love & care about ... not to hurt your feelings?

Is is so much to expect the ones you love ... not to break your heart?

Is it so much to expect people not to betray your trust?

Maybe I am asking for too much!

Who am I ... to ask to be loved, cared, treasured, respected .... I'm just a nobody.

Maybe that's why I don't deserve anything ... not even some miserable happiness!

SUSHI ANYONE ?

I was rather reluctant to pose these pics because I didn't want to give the impression that we do this all the time. Do what, you ask? Going & dining in restaurants. I have posted many a times that we are always on a tight budget & we don't really eat in restaurants. We used to ... but not anymore. Before Ryan was conceived/born, we used to be rather spendthrift & occasionally splurge on meals in restaurants, every so often. Now ... that's all history!

With a kid & one very-limited income, it's virtually impossible for us to be sooo "carefree" with our money. Besides, we aren't rich & we are always tight with finances. So its a rare occasion when we go eat something a bit nice. Even when we do go & eat something better than our usual foodcourt-coffeeshop fare, I watch what we order like a hawk, coz we have to watch our very limited budget.

Recently, we had a simple dinner at Hei Sushi (I think they are under the Sakae Sushi Group) in Sembawang Shopping Centre. They are one of the very few Halal certified Japanese Restaurant in Singapore. Though we've had halal Japanese food in KL & that eatery at Far East Plaza (is it Ramen Ten? can't really recall its name), this is probably the only halal place that serves sushi conveyor style.

To tell you the truth, the food wasn't that fantastic, though it wasn't bad either ... but Ryan & Hubby always enjoy their salmon. So we did order a small portion of salmon & some bits of sushi to try out. Altogether, we spent less than $ 30 but again I kinda feel that we sorta "overpaid" coz it didn't feel like a meal that cost that much (you get what I mean?). Is it just me or are all restaurant standards way down these days? Sure we haven't been to many restaurants these couple of years, but the few mid-priced restaurants that we've been to ... have been quite a disappointment, to say the least.

Sometimes, I feel eating in foodcourts are better deals, as at least when you pay four dollars for a meal, you eat four dollars worth of meat (which is very important coz I'm a meat-eater)-rice-noodles, etc. Unlike restaurants, what you pay for is not equivalent to the taste, you have to pay for the usually-bad-or-barely-acceptable service (charge of 10%) & there's even the stupid GST. Errmm ... & what are we eating anyway? Mostly cardboard tasting food that disappoint on almost all levels. I bet it must just be me coz I see people going to restaurants in droves.

Recession? What recession? Have you seen the queues outside some restaurants or boutiques? I think its either they are suckers for expensive food & stuff or they are damn loaded & can't be bothered with the current recession. No, no I'm not being sore ... just wondering what the big deal is all about. I've been "short-changed" so many times at restaurants that I wonder why I even bother to eat there in the first place. Maybe ... I'm the sucker ... haha!

I made a impromptu kiddy chopstick (I picked that up from one of the blogs, using a rubber band) for Ryan, as he was pestering me, by playing with my chopsticks.

The limited stuff that we ordered (not because there was a limited menu) but due to keeping to our budget. Notice that everything we ordered was cooked, not raw ... haha!

Aw! Don't they look cute?

I think the next time I am "stupid" enough to wanna waste my money on yet another under-performing restaurant, I really better think twice. Sometimes I wonder is it my high standards that qualify these eateries as "failures". I mean if they are that bad, how can they survive ... especially during the recession?

Maybe its really just me ... you be your own judge!

Maybe my standards ARE VERY HIGH ... when you consider that I was brought up by a mum who is one of the best cooks (I have ever known) & that she always believes home-cooked meals are always the best-EST. Maybe I should be like my talented mum & learn to cook better. Like she always says, "If you want to eat something delicious, learn to cook it yourself". That way, you can control what goes into your food, you can up the level for cleanliness & hygiene in food preparation & you can puts in lots of ingredients/spices/meat ... which she says is the key to cooking good food - "You cannot stinge on the ingredients!".

As for me, I've always loved eating ... food, in all shapes & sizes. I sometimes wish I was a better cook, or have the patience to learn all the intricate steps & spices that goes into the especially traditional Malay recipes of yesteryears. I am actually keen to learn more, if my mum has the time (& patience) to teach me. How I wish cooking Malay food was easy, its entails so many steps (& hours) & ingredients that it will make your head spin! I guess that's why when eating at Malay stalls serving the variety of dishes, its wise to know that a plate of mostly meat choices will easily set you back at least, 5 or six dollars, per serving.

I can tell you that cooking Malay food is such hard work! - just by looking at how my mum cooks.That's why I never learnt to cook Malay food-style, I choose the easy way out. I tend to cook mostly stews, stir-fries Chinese style & I boil soups, which is my Hubby's favourite (coz he grew up drinking soup at every meal). I am happy to note that Ryan has followed his Daddy's genes & he loves his soups too. I'm glad my two boys appreciate the long hours I take to boil these soups. They may be simple & home-made ... but they were made with love.

Hhhmm, just need to brush up on my repertoire ... I need to expand my recipes & be more adventurous.

BREAKFAST WITH MY TWO FAVOURITE BOYS

Its rare that we don't have prata for breakfast during the weekends. Sometimes I think hubby & me have eaten so much prata since Ryan has taken a liking to eat, that we seldom eat it at other times (unless its to entice Ryan to eat something ... anything). Haha! I think we will be so sick of prata ... very soon. But then again, at the moment we don't really have a choice coz its Ryan's favourite food. Some may think of all the oil ... but I choose instead, to think of the nutritious egg he devours in his egg prata. We usually have prata every Sunday (or Saturday) morning, if we don't have a lot of errands to run or no other activities or family outings arranged.

That day was no different. Took some pics. Nothing special ... but then again, spending time with your loved ones ... is always SPECIAL!

Ah! A special moment with Mummy!

Let me prick myself with the fork ...

Ryan either looks afraid or tickled ... which one, I dunno?

Looking serious, as usual.

IT'S TRANSFORMERS TIME !

Ok, I wasn't gonna let Ryan go to his 1st movie without a blog post. As I was mentioning about Ryan's latest love affair with Bumble Bee, it is only right that I write about his first movie adventure, watching Transformers. Why did we choose Transformers 2? Because Hubby wanted to see Wolverine & my mum promised to baby-sit Ryan whilst we go see it but alas it never worked out coz mum was always busy, tired, or otherwise unwell (no such luck). As we have no other alternative baby-sitting "services', we had no choice but to haul our son with us if we wanted to see a movie. So, we chose Transformers ....

Before we brought him to see the 2nd Transformer movie, we decided to have a dry run with the first movie at home, on DVD. It turned out that he loved the show. He even managed to keep rather still, quiet & was equally engrossed throughout the whole movie. That gave me the encouragement to bring him to the sequel of the movie.

Hubby was on leave (it was a weekday), so the tickets prices were cheaper. Ryan did not need a ticket because he was under 3 years old. We left home early & took the bus & train, to have the usual brekkie of prata. Whilst awaiting, the start of the movie, we walked around & as usual, Ryan wanted to have a go at some of the usual rides.

Father & son, posing in front of the Transformers II movie poster.

Its Ice Age 3, our next movie change ...

We did go to watch the Ice Age movie the following week or so. Ryan was still as clingy to me but it wasn't half as bad as the Transformers. I would think that it being an animation movie, cartoons & all that he wouldn't be scared stiff, but I was wrong. I understand if Ryan was afraid of the Autobots-Decepticons waging a war, explosions, high-octane show but this was a kiddy movie that had (cute) animals & dinosaurs (his favourite). Alas, Ryan was still as petrified in the pitch dark theatre. He thoroughly enjoyed the first Ice Age movie at home but he didn't enjoy it as much in the movies. Maybe seeing the shows on DVDs in the comforts of home, where you can talk, move, pause, eat - all in "bright" daylight was more comforting than watching a movie on the gargantuan screen in darkness. Oh well, at least I tried! I just hope in the future Ryan will enjoy going to the movies as both his parents are movie freaks.

Of course sometimes, its actually cheaper to rent or borrow DVDs from the stores or friends, coz a ticket price for a weekend movie is sooo expensive. A family of three can easily spend $9.50 x 3 + parking charges + drinks & snacks + meals after the movie. etc. So if you have more than 1 kid, it usually does not make sense to trudge the whole family ... you will have spent a bomb, might as well purchase the DVD when its out, & you get to watch over & over again. Just my 2-cents ....

My baby, sitting on the steps of the entrance of the theatre.

How cute!

Father & son, posing on the cinema steps!

Mummy & Ryan pose awhile, before going in the theatre.

Ryan playing beside the movie mock-up of latest animation "Up".

So my son didn't really get to enjoy his first 2 movies but I have hopes that it will be a better experience the next time. I hope Ryan will always remember this experience coz nothing makes me happier than being able to introduce new & exciting things to my little one. I hope I can think of many more incredible things for Ryan to try & experience, in the future. As long as the activity does not cost too much, we will definitely be up for it. Till then ...

P.S : I didn't notice that when I was trying out the size of the pics to a "Large" in the previous entries, it automatically stayed that way (as a default). Errm ... no wonder the pics are sooo much bigger. Well since the photos are already posted, I won't be changing its size now. I dunno ... maybe the larger size will grow on me ... I just have to wait & see. Hhm, the only thing I don't really enjoy with these larger pics ... that I would look even LARGER than I already am (is that even possible?) ... am I asking too much ... haha!